Tag: My Lovely Man

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Gangsta land

We have nine bird feeders. Yes, nine. I’m not quite sure how this has happened, but it is the state of things. In a very small yard.

My lovely man diligently fills these feeders up, and he has to do it every second day, because clearly we are hosting every bird within a 100km radius.

We go through A LOT of wild bird seed. It’s delivered by Takealot (of course), by the truckload.

We also have a beloved little rat mouse, Monty, to consider.

Sadly, in the last month, we have found two dead birds in the yard.

They were not emaciated, to be sure, but they were dead.

At least I hope they were, because I dispose of the poor little things in a zip lock bag. With a little blessing of course, but still.

I try not think about it.

Although, I do wonder, if this is going to continue, if Takealot sell little bells I can put in to the zip lock bag, so they can alert us if they awake within their zip lock bag in a panic. Maybe a mobile phone with my number programmed in.

I digress…

Why, I asked my lovely man, are these birds perishing?

We both regarded Ginger Nutless Max cat with some suspicion… But he reminded us that ‘he’s a really nice guy’ and also… If he caught Monty or any bird, he would present it to me via my pillow.

They are fighting…. My Lovely Man solemnly advised me.

Who are fighting I enquired? The birds?

Yes, he said, they are fighting each other to the death over the food. It’s obvious.

Are you saying, I clarified, they are shanking each other over the bird food?

I think so, he said, it’s a dog eat dog world out there.

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Let’s just do it

My lovely man LOVES his ice cream. Every day, after his lunch, there is always, always room for a bowl of ice cream.

The only exception to this habit, is if he has a chocolate milkshake.. Which is, mostly ice cream.

On any number of occasions, he has smacked his lips, sighed with contentment and advised me that he could quite happily live on ice cream and beer.

We all need something to live for hey?

Anyway… I bought him a box of six ‘Big Deal Mint Crunch’ ice cream on a stick. Like Magnums I guess.

He didn’t notice them for a few days, and then I asked him if he’d tried them yet and what were they like.

Well, apparently 5 star. Happiness.

So I tried one, and yes, very nice.

Some time later he said… Are these big deal ice creams more expensive than ice cream in a tub, because I don’t mind, if it’s easier, if you only get those.

I think they are more expensive I advised.

Well, he said, let’s do the maths, but I suppose we’ll have to factor it in if you are going to eat them too. How many a week do you think you’ll have?

Darling, I announced, they are 5 times more expensive per ml of ice cream.

Oh, he said, that’s not too bad then is it?

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Are you ready?

Does your lovely man have some pet frets? Mine does, bless him.

I have pet peeves, he has pet frets.

Top of mind, for him is AI.

Of all things.

Darling, he advised me, everything I read stresses that we need to be AI ready.

Are you AI ready he enquires of me.

I am not, I admit.

What is AI, he asks, I don’t feel I am in the least competent in it.

This is probably true as he refers to it, for starters, as A1.

You are retired, I reminded him, you don’t need to be AI competent, stop worrying about it.

Perhaps we should buy this book, he continued, or enroll on this six month course for a mere USD 2,000. It sounds critical.

That’s a hard no from me.

So, finally, I have come up with a cunning plan.

When you are competent with the TV remote, I tell him, I’ll teach you AI.

Every time he brings it up, we are going to have a TV Remote test. And then I’ll ask him to Google something.

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I’ll give you something to talk about

I’m a slippers and gown type of girl. It’s my favourite outfit really. I have, on a few occasions, noticed that I’m out, but still have my slippers on.

This means that, quite regularly, I have to throw my slippers in the wash. I’m quite good at hurling shoes into the washing machine. I have a friend who puts her trainers in the dishwasher. Also acceptable.

My lovely man is often in charge of emptying the washing machine and either hanging up the relevant, or putting it in the dryer. Shoes, for various reasons, are not for the dryer.

The last slipper load, somehow, slipped (did you see what I did there?) past his vigilance and some hours later I was presented with a much smaller version of my very adored sheepskin Uggs. They were dry and lovely and warm. And very little.

Luckily your feet are small he announced, these will be fine.

They are not fine, they are now baby slippers. Toddler size at best.

Well, he said, I’m waiting to read about this online, at least I give you good material.

Gotta love him. The knob.

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If it’s not too much to ask

Sunday lunch was lentils.

Because that’s how my lovely man likes it. He was very excited to have his special lentil dish on the menu.

I had a small bowl and got the side eye. How long is it going to last if other people are eating it I could see him thinking. Can’t you just have a biscuit?

He’s like that with his chocolate cake too. Not everything is to be shared.

A deep sigh of contentment on completion of his meal. Courtesy of his sister.

I think, he pondered, we could try and make this once a month.

It’s the only way I can see myself coping he ended with finality.

The only way…

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Yes, I’m completely useless

We have had a flurry of visitors. The latest being my lovely man’s sister. She loves him very much (as he deserves), and there is much chatting and reminiscing.

I am listening, with half an ear, at the chatting outside while I am, inevitably, working.

As a side note, we have been without lentils for a while. I am uncertain how we got into this sad state, but that’s how it’s been.

The favoured lentil dish is, in fact, one that their mum used to make. So, of course, the conversation took this turn.

My lovely man’s sister is a great cook. I am not.

I braced myself.

Oxtail and the lentil dish were decided on.

I see you have a hot pot she said, how does it work and I’ll use that.

As you can see, I said, it is a virgin still in it’s wrapping, and all the manuals are in that drawer. I’ll be in my office.

You have an amazing amount of gadgets for someone who doesn’t cook she commented.

I am nothing, if not prepared for visitors and the services they offer, I replied.

It was not too long before she started asking ridiculous questions like ‘where are the onions and potatoes’.

Assume nothing I said, here’s some paper and a pen, make a list.

I just need one onion she tried…

I’m in my office I reminded her.

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It’s a mouthful

My lovely man and I are each on a dental journey. Some of it through necessity, some of it through choice. Not much of it, as it turns out, fun.

It’s lengthy, laborious and largely painful. On the one hand, we are grateful we can get these things tended to, on the other hand we are somewhat regretting our choices.

And then we watch TV. American TV in particular. The Brits don’t seem to have any dentists. But… There is rarely an American actor without perfect teeth.

As my lovely man and I sit and watch, in our own various stages of trauma and healing… We discuss this a lot. Spooning ice cream and cold soup into our wounded gobs, the only diet we can manage these days.

Are Americans born with perfect teeth? Surely they can’t all endure major dental work?

Can anyone shed light on this phenomenon?

Sincerely bewildered.

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OK, I can probably sort that out

I’m no relationship expert. God knows I’ve enjoyed my share of failures…

But, I do love my lovely man, so I do try.

Every now and then I check in and ask the man..

‘Are you happy my darling? Is there anything you need, or would like changed?’

So, I asked recently and the man went into deep thought.

I waited, with some apprehension, gotta say.

Well, he said slowly… There is one thing..

My underpants are too tight, can you please get me some more?

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It all counts

We have four little fur babies that share our lives. We also feed the birds in the neighborhood. All of them I suspect. Who are ravenous. And two little mice, who come and go and at present are gone, possibly deceased.

The two cats, interestingly enough, are far less fussy eaters than the two little dogs. When it comes to little dogs, it is important to note that if you spoil them with all kinds of delicacies when they are pups, you are screwed forever and have no hope of changing the diet back to anything easy or reasonably priced.

I am in charge of the morning cuppa in our household and this involves feeding the ravenous cats. Lie ins are not permitted ever, they barely make it through the night from dinner to 5am feed. We have a very vocal Ginger, who screams in my face by 05h10. No need for an alarm.

My lovely man feeds the pups a bit later, who do enjoy a lie in, as long as there is a wee snack given to them as we enjoy a cuppa and a choccie bic. (This is not their snack, panic not).

My lovely man reports back as to how the breakfast he serves the pups is received. He is delighted if it is scoffed down and distressed if not. A discussion as to how we can tempt these fat, ungrateful and completely indulged creatures ensues.

I suspect, I suggested, the ratio of pellets to the other goodies, is too high.

How many pellets must I give them then, he asked unexpectedly. Twelve each I randomly suggested, in a panic.

Then, we were thrown a curved ball as the vet suggested we soften the pellets to help with aging teeth.

So, one of my 5am duties is soaking the pellets in advance of the feed in hot water.

Immediately, I received feedback… And criticism.

You are obviously not counting the pellets, I was advised, there were 13 and 15 in the bowl respectively this morning. And there was disdain and dissent at breakfast as a result. Will you count them please? We decided on twelve.

As it turns out, one cannot make and then break the rules here.

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Is that the complaints department?

My lovely man is prone to nightmares. I know, it’s awful, the poor bugger. Everyone in his dreams seems determined to beat him up.

It’s quite traumatic and involves a great deal of soothing and cuddles after a session of screaming and thrashing around. And that’s just for the pups on the bed.

We’ve got some help, so it’s much improved, but the occasional burst of terror sometimes means he throws himself off the bed.

So, to keep him safe, I ordered, (Takealot of course, is there anything you can’t get from them? I think not), a bed rail.

So, now he’s caged in on one side and is limited to throwing himself on top of me.

(Not sure I’ve properly thought this through).

He’s got quite adept at raising and lowering the rail, but before he does that, he follows his little ritual of sitting on the side of the bed and faffing with whatever we faff with before we turn in.

Darling, he says out of the blue, you need to get hold of these people about a potential design flaw of this contraption of mine.

Oh, I said, what’s that?

I’m in severe peril of clamping my ballsack everyday if I’m not careful, he shared.