Some years ago, I decided to have eyeliner tattooed. Yes, on my eyes. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
It was the worst sensation ever. I was trying to slide down the bed to get away from the lady administering this torture. She was hauling me back up by my ears.
She told me that I had to come back for round two a few days later. She sent reminders. I think I blocked and reported her.
On the way home I phoned a friend crying. Come here immediately she instructed, I have wine.
Despite this, I recently decided my eyebrows needed attention. Because, sadly, they are fading. Disappearing really. And they weren’t ever very evident to start with.
Yes… The lady said, I can see why you are concerned, I think we are going to do a Blade and Shade procedure here.
Will it hurt was my only query.
Apparently not. Lying bitch.
You have very strong skin she repeatedly told me. VERY strong. Have you ever been told that?
What, that I’m thick skinned? No…
What skin products do you use she asked, do they have retinol? I don’t know I replied, I’ll have to enquire with Take a Lot.
She looked mildly alarmed and I could see wanted to launch into how I really should take better care considering my advanced years.
She refrained. Retinol, she said, is very good for the skin, but fades the eyebrows. Who knew?
So much to fret about.
Oh dear, she said, I’ve dropped some of the ink on your cheek. It wouldn’t stain normally, but you have an extraordinary amount of fuzz on your face, I’m just going to shave this bit.
Here is your care kit she said. Try and not get your new eyebrows wet.
What, forever? They are on my face.
Just warn your partner she said, tomorrow they will be very dark, and then they will fade a bit. Oh yes, they may scab. Let me know in a month if you need a touch up (not likely to hear from me again).
Sure enough, when I bought my lovely man his morning cuppa, he definitely recoiled.
Don’t expect to see me around too much.