Tag: A quirky look at ordinary life

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Say that again?

My lovely man is a bit hard of hearing.

The entire household seems to be, because certainly no one listens to me, including all the animals.

I am often reminded of a dear fellow that I worked with who informed me ‘ Rosie, your voice is pitched like a dog whistle, none of us have a chance.’

I digress.

On a recent morning walk, we were approached by some fellows who had saved a tortoise that was (slowly we presume), dodging the traffic.  Precious little thing.  Because this is Africa, we had to pay them and I carried the dear little thing triumphantly home.

I have always had a fondness for tortoises, and this little guy has now come into our lives!  That’s how it happens with animals isn’t it? 

I am likely to be lambasted because perhaps he’s exotic and we should not be looking after him.  But I love him already.  We’ll figure out for sure what the right thing to do is.  Better in the garden than the traffic surely?

Let’s call him Tommy I suggested to my lovely man.  How do you know he’s he, he asked.  My sister, I advised him, said that male shells are more rounded, and female shells are flatter.

Oh, he said, how on earth would she know that, should I Google it too?

She’s quite smart I said, but yes, you can Google it.

What should I ask Google he asked me.

Ask Google ‘ How do I sex a tortoise’ I suggested.

There are no results, he advised somberly, for ‘ How do I text a tortoise’ , I think we are doing it wrong.

Don’t you just love him? I’m sure he does it on purpose to entertain me.  He’s the best.

Tommy, it turns out, prefers the pronoun ‘ they ‘ .

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Travelling light

Is it just me, or has travel become a pain? 

Because this is Africa, the rules are a moving target that are never quite fully disclosed. Sometimes your vaccination 💉 certificate is required, often not. Sometimes there is an interrogation around how many booster jabs have been had and how long ago. Mostly, nobody cares. 

Also, because this is Africa, there is someone having a beer 🍻 at the airport. 6:30am. We don’t judge. 

One thing that irks me with air travel, is the request to remove your shoes. I always forget this and wear difficult to remove shoes. 

I have also had to surrender my tweezers at the scanner.

I will be boasting a uni brow in a few days.

Another irksome thing is the different baggage allowance based on destination. These, presumably, are based on union negotiations as to how much weight the baggage handler is prepared to lift. But as a result, one must plan around the lowest weight allowed on a staggered trip. 

I can tell you for nothing that Cape Town need to gym it up. 

Why would they not rather give you a total allowance and then a max per bag? To standardise worldwide? 

Who knows? 

I am, of recent, bucking the system and hoping no one weighs my hand luggage.

Because I have to carry my office with me when I travel, and I REALLY like working with multiple screens, I invested in some portable screens. 

They are great, but not light. 

My laptop bag weighs more than my suitcase. 

If a plane I’m on goes down and they can’t figure out why, you can enlighten them. I am, far from light.

I know you have to carry your office with you when you travel darling, but I observe that I am the one actually hauling this bag around, my lovely man mentioned.

Yes darling, make sure you don’t indicate how heavy it actually is, or they may arrest you.

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What’s in a name?

There is a company called Truegrid that, for some reason, comes up on my social media feed occasionally. Who knows how these algorithms work.

I don’t know what the company does, but every time it comes up, I read it as Turgid and have a little juvenile giggle.

I know. Not admirable. Perhaps I’m dyslexic. Clearly I’m immature.

And, I am not in a position to judge a name because I named the consulting company I opened once as Acumen Online.

I ran this by a friend (not seriously though, I’d already made up my mind), and he gently said..

‘Don’t you think that is a bit of a mouthful? And does everyone know the word Acumen? And… are you sure you have it?’

Anyway, he was ignored and I ploughed on (as is my way). You don’t need any acumen to be stubborn.

And, it hasn’t been easy.

Acumen is NOT a well known word. Go figure? And then I chose to operate in Mozambique and they were like wot?

I can’t tell you the pain of explaining ROSEMARY as my first name (we all had to settle on Rosa Maria), then POTGIETER as my surname (at the time it was the surname on my passport and therefore the surname in Mozambique), To be honest, I never really got my tongue around Potgieter even. And then (good Lord), my company name as Acumen Online.

A whole lot of people just couldn’t. I barely could.

This year, I’m going to try and take advice.

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What do you mean it’s discontinued?

Do you have a favourite product that is now discontinued? Do you also sort of feel insulted that you weren’t consulted considering your years of loyalty?

This past year I settled on a lipstick colour. I’m not sure if it’s an age thing and I am always admiring of people who match their lipstick with their outfits, nails and the like. But me, I finally decided that a particular colour was all that I needed.

Maybelline Stayfast 725 since you insist on knowing.

When I was a teenager and experimenting with make up I once put on some bright red lipstick. ‘You shouldn’t wear red lipstick a friend immediately told me, your mouth is too big, you look like a whore’

So, there you go, what are friends for if not their honesty?

It has, however, taken me this long to settle on a colour.

So, getting some more 725s was on my list of purchases to make in SA. (I am a list girl, there is ALWAYS a list). Ask my lovely man, there is always a list for him too.

Finding some 725s proved more difficult than anticipated. Eventually some sweet girl at Clicks told me that it had been discontinued (devastating), but she would look in the old stock and find what she could for me.

I explained my plight and that THIS was my colour and why I couldn’t wear dark colours. She was amazingly empathetic to my story and reinforced it by saying ‘and an OLD whore now, that wouldn’t be good’

Bless her.

She found me 4 725s. I was so grateful. And then she said…

Do you think these will last you your lifetime?

Honestly, employee of the month.

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Yes, I’m Generation X. Y?

I have reached the age of irrelevance. Alarming and somewhat depressing.

I’m in SA. Shopping is necessary. I’m a bit of a gadget lover. Can’t resist a new gadget.

So, pushing my little trolley of already purchased this and that, I entered a gadget shop and asked the fellow if he had stock of what I was looking for.

Is it for your child, or perhaps your grandchild he smirked. Did you bring them?

I looked at this twit… Probably in his mid 40’s…not too long ago I was dating his ilk, probably younger. This one, I would have crushed like a bug.

It’s for me, I announced, I’m more competent than I clearly look. And! I have money to spend.. Which I will be spending elsewhere.

My comment and stalking away may have been more withering if I hadn’t forgotten my trolley behind.

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An honest mistake

Did you hear about the below story…..

A fellow didn’t realise his wife had also got out the car to ablute and drove off. For 160km before he realised she was actually NOT sleeping in the back anymore.

She was left, in the dark, in Thailand. With nothing but perhaps damp panties.

http://702.co.za/articles/463400/til-abonnement-do-us-part-man-drives-off-without-wife-thinks-she-s-in-the-car

I had a husband that did this to me. This was my pre she-wee days. So, there I was, trying to discreetly do my business beside the car. Hoping to not wee on my shoes or be seen by any passer by.

And he drove off. Leaving me fully exposed of course. Funny guy.

Keep the keys is my advice.

We are divorced now.

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Can’t be too careful

In Mozambique, well certainly in Beira, they like to steal parts of your car and sell them back to you.

It’s a very efficient system, you can go to the market, enquire about a recently missing part and buy it back for top dollar.

The solution is to engrave (with some sort of identity number), as much as you can, and pop rivet things here and there.

As with most security, you really just want it to be easier that they steal from someone else.

In a panic, we realised my lovely man’s car was not adequately identified and secured. And, before it could be done, I had to use it to go to the parlour for a wee pedicure.

Unfortunately, at the very pleasant parlour, I have, for some years, been nominated the sadist to attend to my pedicure. Not only is there no sign of rough heels after a session, I am usually limping out on bloody stumps.

As it turns out, she is a very thoughtful sadist. She noticed me peering out the window continually to try and ensure nobody lifted a wing mirror off the car.

She indicated that she was in a better position to watch the car. Then she got everyone else in the salon who wasn’t busy, to watch the car in shifts.

Bless them! I managed to return home with the car intact. Not so much my heels.

My lovely man then had the car attended to. I had to get extra money from the company to pay the guy, he announced, I didn’t have enough. Come and look.

Everything is engraved people. And everything else is pop riveted. I think they only stopped pop riveting because they ran out he advised me.

I suspect the car is 50% heavier and the fuel efficiency halved. But hey, its safe.

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Possibly still an attitude – a year on

I recently applied for new medical cover. The problem with any medical cover, is that you need to apply for it when you don’t need it. So, I thought I would get that sorted now.

They advised me that a mandatory examination is necessary for anyone over 50. Honestly, I said, I’m really healthy and I’m busy, can we skip this?

Apparently not.

Your medical examination is today my lovely man reminded me as I was dressing.

Oh yes, I said, do you think they’ll put me on a treadmill, best I wear a sports bra. Also, do we have an oxygen cannister. Hopefully he won’t notice my gasps and mark me down.

Also, I pondered, do you think I’ll have to strip to my undies? Best I wear a matching set.

Nothing too skimpy my lovely man warned. You don’t want to risk a flap malfunction or nipple-gate.

Solid advice.

Take a wet wipe, he continued, in case you have to wee in a cup.

I’ll take my She Wee I said, that’ll impress them, I won’t even need the facilities.

We had to climb stairs to the doctors rooms, which I thought was deserving of a free pass.

Oh, the receptionist said, I forgot to phone you, he can only see you later.

That cheered me up.

How’s your blood pressure the doctor asked. Normally it’s low, I advised, but I suspect it will be spot on now that I’ve been waiting for you for 45 minutes.

Congratulations said the doctor, you’ve passed with flying colours. I’m signing off that there is nothing wrong with you. I am, however, making a note that you have a bit of an attitude.

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Keep that in your pants here

In Zimbabwe and Mozambique, there are any number of social media sites you can use to ask for help or where to find something.

For whatever reason, Google and Web pages are used far less here. You can find an appropriate group on FB and someone will help you. And then….. Very quickly, they will deliver the goods to you if a deal is struck.

It’s all quite astounding, useful, and often very amusing.

But a query this morning has taken the biscuit.

Unfortunately he has posted anonymously, but no doubt in due course admin will spill the beans and tell at least one friend who it is. That’s keeping a secret isn’t it? One at a time?

Anyway, some bloke from the UK (and we can safely predict it is a bloke, as you will see), claims his side hustle is selling his sperm. (See? He must at least identify as a bloke and produce something he is trading).

Now he is enquiring if he can continue this lucrative career in Zimbabwe.

In Zimbabwe?

He has described himself, as part of his pitch, and is gauging interest before he moves to Zimbabwe. He’s been going at this quite successfully in the UK for a number of years, will be badly missed there, but is clearly prepared to continue sowing his seed to assist Zimbabwe.

The comments….

Some people of very admiring of this side hustle and hadn’t realised its potential. They too are willing and able, so are ‘following’

‘Here in Zimbabwe’ advises another reader, ‘we don’t pay for sperm donation my friend. They just knock you up and run away. We call it mjolo’. She goes on to advise him to look for another job.

Another…. ‘its pretty much given away this side’

Another ‘donating in a cup or in kind…?’

The inevitable…. ‘I’m willing, what maintenance will you pay me?’

Another has offered him 10,000. Zimbabwe dollars

Who knows how this will end? I too am ‘following’ with great interest.