Tag: A quirky look at ordinary life

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Oh, that’s where it is

Is your lovely man incapable of finding anything? Whilst looking directly at it?

If I, as a potty mouth, has $10 for every curse word I uttered and every time my lovely man couldn’t find the obvious, I could retire.

Do we have soap for the shower the sweet soul asked me some days ago. Yes, I replied, in the cupboard in the spare bathroom.

After some days of bathing vs showering, I opted for a shower, only to find he is washing himself with a transparent shaving of soap.

Please bring me a bar of soap I yelled.

Where do we keep them he yelled back.

Faaaark

An epoch of time passed. The water ran cold, then the world’s water ran out.

I stood there, an unwashed, pissed off prune of a person.

I found them he stated, they were stacked in a pile, I wasn’t expecting that.

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What’s your pleasure?

I went for a massage recently. It was such a great massage that I forgot how to put on my bra, how to make payment and how to drive.

After I had successfully executed a 32 point turn to get out of the parking, and gathered my faculties somewhat, I decided I needed to change my life to maintain this happy state of fugue.

Dismissing a cocaine habit for economic reasons, I’ve decided to change the spare room into what I shall call ‘The Pleasure Parlour’

Which I will equip accordingly.

We do, in fact, already have a Thumper machine. If you do not have one and are therefore  deprived of a daily thump, shame for you.

Look it up, it’s a Canadian massage machine. There is no other like it. I don’t know much about Canadians, but this they do well.

I used to have a vibrating machine. A big one. For some reason, when I tried to describe it to others, hilarity ensued. It guaranteed weight loss and toning, but really it just loosened your fillings a bit. Not in a good way.

So, I have started to plot out my Pleasure Parlour. I became a bit worried that the name may raise some expectations, so I thought I’d throw some exercise equipment in too.

So, now I will call it the ‘Pain and Pleasure Parlour’

Because that’s much better and not fifty shades of anything.

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Is that tar?

I accompanied my lovely man to the barber again recently.

I left him to go in and popped into the nearby chemist first. For cold sore cream. I explained that it wasn’t for me, because I don’t get cold sores, and the lady helpfully commented that I must be the ‘giver’. The cold sore giver.

I’m sure she’s wrong.. But… Full disclosure.

The fellow at the barber shop was delighted when I walked in. Immediately gesturing that he could sort out my fluffy face one time. I stopped him in his tracks with ‘the look’.

There’s not a lot of English spoken at my lovely man’s barber shop. Nor is there a lot of explanation as to the the happenings.

Darling… My lovely man called out in mild panic, why are they putting tar on my ears? And why have I got earbuds in my nose?

Oh, I said, they must be waxing your hairy bits, brace yourself.

Darling… He cried out again, what’s happening, why are they laying me back now?

Don’t worry, I said, I don’t think they are going to waterboard you.

We’ve been watching Ozark, so this reassurance seemed necessary.

What they were doing was threading his eyebrows. My lovely man will no longer be on the list to play Santa after all this exceptional grooming.

The fellow did look longingly at my fluffy face again, imagining the good work he could do with that thread. Another look was necessary.

Is this what they do with beavers my lovely man enquired loudly. I’m not sure I replied, but they’ll probably put it on their list of services now that you’ve raised the idea.

I felt that my lovely man’s yelps of pain and cussing were a bit unnecessary, but the results were exceptional.

So much so, they felt compelled to show everyone in the shop the hair removal.

Photo to accompany Google review.

My lovely man has a bit of an attitude about repeating the experience.

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Sure, you can use it for that

I was wallowing in my bath the other day.

Yes, yes, I know…. terribly irresponsible to bath vs showering. The world seems to either be flooded or stricken by drought, have you noticed? So yes, I know… but still.. I do love an occassional bath.

I noticed that my bath gel boasted ‘105 uses’

Once again, I probably should be washing myself with a good old bar of soap or perhaps even coarse salt or riversand depending on the levels of austerity adopted.

Although…. we need the salt for the dishwasher, or salt grinders…. we are not bothered if it’s edible or not in our household.

And, I read that sand plays havoc with the sewage systems.

Back to the 105 uses. 105?! Apart from the obvious ….. what else can you use it for? It didn’t say. Washing your hair, washing the floor?

It’s just marketing BS isn’t it? You know it! I know it too, but I love it. I am everyone’s target market.

Is this something that made me buy it over another brand, that it had so MANY uses? I can’t remember. Subliminal.

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Fit as a fiddle

My brother is quite a disciplined fellow. In most aspects of his life, including exercise. Also, he got the metabolism. Healthy appetite… lean and mean.

Sometimes life is not fair.

Anyhooo…. we are trying. My lovely man and I. We have a daily exercise routine and it is doing wonders. Nothing to get overly excited about, we are not quite Comrades ready and nobody is inviting us to parade on any catwalk. But, we are doing more than we have done for some time, so there’s that.

My brother (and my adorable sister in law), have a rowing machine. I looked at them, and thought, that’s it, if I just BUY a rowing machine, I’ll look as good as they do.

So, of course, I did. Only to find you actually have to use it.

I mentioned to some (very active) friends that I have a rowing machine. They were enormously impressed. I’m surprised you don’t have one I replied. Well… they replied, we wait for people like you to put hardly used stuff on the market and pick things up for next to nothing.

Rude.

I like the ‘just row’ setting on my fabulous machine. That way I can feel like Forest Gump and just GO! Of course I do stop sooner than dear Forest. Quite a bit sooner.

Nevertheless, I am using it every day and every day I try and beat the previous day.

Take that ye of little faith.

My lovely man is having to lower me onto the loo and wash my hair as I have lost the use of my limbs.

Least he can do as I transform into a goddess in front of his eyes really.

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There’s a cloth for that

My lovely man has pain in his hands the poor soul.

A friend of his gifted him with this magical little cloth to help him open things.

Life changing! He is opening things left and right. Most especially, my wine.

A friend of MINE gifted me with some crocheted kitchen cloths. What a win they are too! He is opening things, and I am wiping them down.

So…. as it’s the season to be jolly and just in case you want to get us a wee pressie, any sort of cloth is met with much delight.

Or a wind chime. One cannot have too many really. Same for candles.

Or wine.

Or beer.

Just saying…

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I can help with that

My lovely man goes to a barber. They are very pleasant. They rid him of all sorts of facial hair, thank goodness.

The fellows are not well versed in English. I think they are Eygyptian. (I can hear you bursting into song as to how they walk).

Nevertheless, we bumble through and he gets his short back and sides.

I was sitting and waiting recently. Keeping myself to myself. The fellow kept on glancing at me. I smiled sweetly.

Suddenly, he pounced. Stroking my cheek. Yes!

And then there was thread and he was ‘threading’ the fuzz on my cheek.

It’s a curse I tell you. Must be getting worse …. my fluffy face.

Also, threading is sore, not recommended. I beat him off with my handbag.

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That might kill you

We have a recurring weed patch that pushes it’s way through part of the paving. Just a small section of the paving. When I pondered aloud as to why the weeds were coming up only in that section, my lovely man said that it was probably over the sewage section.

I’m sorry I asked.

So, we have to dig these wees out intermittently. We were told that a concoction of hot water and salt might be easier.

I suffered some conflict in this regard, which was scoffed at by my lovely man. But, it just doesn’t feel right to pour boiling water over any living thing does it?

Anyway, he asked if we had salt he could use to put in a jug of boiling water and I said that he could use some of the dishwasher salt.

The weed patch looks very sad now.

Then he advised me that he had used some of the same (dishwasher salt), to top up the salt grinders.

I don’t think…. I started….

Salt is salt he said firmly. In the VOICE OF AUTHORITY.

Well, Google says it’s not. Dishwasher salt is not to edible standards.

Proceed with caution if we invite you for a meal.

We recently had a visitor who developed a stomach bug. Not sure there is a connection.

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It’s not permanent is it?

Some years ago, I decided to have eyeliner tattooed. Yes, on my eyes. It seemed like a good idea at the time.

It was the worst sensation ever. I was trying to slide down the bed to get away from the lady administering this torture. She was hauling me back up by my ears.

She told me that I had to come back for round two a few days later. She sent reminders. I think I blocked and reported her.

On the way home I phoned a friend crying. Come here immediately she instructed, I have wine.

Despite this, I recently decided my eyebrows needed attention. Because, sadly, they are fading. Disappearing really. And they weren’t ever very evident to start with.

Yes… The lady said, I can see why you are concerned, I think we are going to do a Blade and Shade procedure here.

Will it hurt was my only query.

Apparently not. Lying bitch.

You have very strong skin she repeatedly told me. VERY strong. Have you ever been told that?

What, that I’m thick skinned? No…

What skin products do you use she asked, do they have retinol? I don’t know I replied, I’ll have to enquire with Take a Lot.

She looked mildly alarmed and I could see wanted to launch into how I really should take better care considering my advanced years.

She refrained. Retinol, she said, is very good for the skin, but fades the eyebrows. Who knew?

So much to fret about.

Oh dear, she said, I’ve dropped some of the ink on your cheek. It wouldn’t stain normally, but you have an extraordinary amount of fuzz on your face, I’m just going to shave this bit.

Here is your care kit she said. Try and not get your new eyebrows wet.

What, forever? They are on my face.

Just warn your partner she said, tomorrow they will be very dark, and then they will fade a bit. Oh yes, they may scab. Let me know in a month if you need a touch up (not likely to hear from me again).

Sure enough, when I bought my lovely man his morning cuppa, he definitely recoiled.

Don’t expect to see me around too much.

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Wake up!

My lovely man has sleep apnea. Not recommended.

He LOVES to sleep. If I take my eye off him for 5 minutes, he’s inclined to doze off. So… I have to give him things to do. He doesn’t appreciate this as much as one would expect.

He is also inclined to nightmares the poor soul.

Luckily for him, I’m inclined to broken sleep, so I hear him gasping. I’m sure there is no connection between his nightmares and my helpful inclination to say ‘darling, wake up and roll onto your side, you’re gonna die otherwise’

I’m not sure what single people with sleep apnea do, do they even know?

Anyway, getting this sorted out is a bit of a process. Back and forth to specialists.

It also involves connecting him up to sleep with various apparatus. First to diagnose, then to determine what CPAP thingie and mask is required.

Quite complicated.

These things measure whatever while he sleeps. Our snoring, gasping, wheezing and farting is all now a matter of public record and in the cloud God help us.

Our biggest concern has been that this dear woman who is measuring all this now knows what time we retire at night.

When she was explaining to us she made ridiculous statements like ‘so when you go to bed, at say 10pm..’

We glanced at each other at that point…

So…. The hardest thing during this process is to stay up past our normal bed time.

Despite our efforts, she gives us a sweet little smile and shoulder squeeze.

She knows we are pathetic.