Oh, you don’t want to do that..

I recently had to fly somewhere. 

For some reason, they upgraded me to business class. They have done this a few times.  I am unworthy, but grateful. Hey ho. 

Of course, I feel like a bit of an imposter… Because, you know… I ain’t paying those prices and presumably everyone else has. 

My temptation is to ask everyone around me if they’ve also been upgraded. But… I resist this. 

I accepted my moist, warm towel like a pro. 

So, I try and fit in by being an arsehole. For instance, I insist that they close the curtain between us and the poor people. I also complain about the superior food and real cutlery and demand a brand of whisky that no-one has heard of. I don’t drink whisky.

You know… Showing my class. 

They now ask everyone to put their gadgets on aeroplane mode. They’ve given up asking everyone to switch everything off, have you noticed?  We watch a lot of aircraft disaster investigations and I’ve never seen the report indicating that the plane went down because someone left their Bluetooth earbuds on.  Still…. I glowered at the fellow who put his fancy Bose headphones on.  I took a picture of him in case we went down and then they would know why.

Then the air steward fellow told some lady that her bag was too big to be stowed at her feet. He took five minutes to wrestle it out. We were all astounded that she managed to get it into that space in the first place. And where had she put her feet even? When he man-handled it to a storage place the plane tipped with the weight. I swear it was one of those bales of clothing the generous European people send to Africa to clothe us. Bless them. 

Clearly a lucrative business because she was in business class. 

Then… I didn’t know what to do with my toothpick. It’s an awkward thing to give someone to dispose of, isn’t it? Can’t just hand it to anyone… Even if you are business class.

So… And I warn you to stop reading now… 

The lovely fellow (paying) in the seat next to me had had a juice. So.. I leaned over a wee bit and shoved my toothpick down the little straw. He was dozing. 

I thought he had finished it; it was in the seat pocket! 

To my horrow he removed it to have a last suck of remaining juice. 

That’s gonna hurt I thought.. 

I stopped him. 

I don’t think they’ll upgrade me again. This guy has put in a word.