Posts

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Let’s not do that

Do you belong to chat groups?

Most of us do, surely?

I have a problem leaving chat groups. I feel it’s rude. I agonise over how to explain my exiting. So.. I mute, don’t contribute and regularly clear the chats. And hope I’m never confronted with ‘but we were all advised on the chat group’.

But now I feel I need to pay more attention.

Because, as it turns out, the chances of being included on some ‘War Room’ chat are slim… But not impossible.

So… Stay vigilant peeps… You could influence world events with your input.

Oh, and put spell check on maybe.

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I’m as surprised as you are

Apparently there’s some summit happening in Johannesburg in the not too distant future.

With an all you can eat buffet I understand.

So, the SA President decided he’d better mosey along to see if the city of gold is prepared.

He was surprised to find the place is a shambles.

Anybody else could have told him this… Coz you know.. Everyone knows.

So, there were some stern words to get their shit together we read.

As with anything that gets tended to in Africa, it will only be nice and shiny where any of the summit delegates may venture. But hey, shiny is shiny.

Not 5 minutes after reading that the big boss is surprised and disappointed an email lands in my inbox.

The City of Johannesburg writes to little old me, that I owe them R125 for a traffic violation in 2012.

I was surprised. I’ve been in the dark on this matter.

I left the city in 2013 and I think by then, none of the traffic cameras were working in Johannesburg.

This was, most likely, this camera’s last gasp.

But hey…. That R125 is going to make all the difference.

So… There is evidence that they are indeed getting their shit together.

I’m a little sorry they had to start with me.

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Sounds reasonable

I belong to all kinds of groups across various platforms.

They often provide enormously useful information, but mostly I’m there for the humor.

A few of the groups are immigration and foreign residency related. So, they provide input on people trying to move to, live or work in different countries.

Dah…

This is a complex business as you can imagine. The Don, of course, makes it a lot easier. It’s just a NO from him.

I digress…

As I said… It’s good humor.

My favorite query to date.

I’ll just leave it here.

“Hy if I’m legally married to my ex husband  .can I get a life patner visa for  my boyfriend”

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That sounds worth having

I am, unfortunately for my wallet, a marketer’s dream.

You’ve heard of influencers? I’m not that. I’m easily influenced.

If someone recommends or gushes about something, I’m compelled to fit it into my world.

My lovely man tries to distract me when he can see on my face I am buying into something someone is mentioning. Actually a gush or a recommendation is not required. Just a casual passing remark will do.

I once bought an enormously expensive thing because a lady I sat next to at the departure lounge stated ‘it has changed my mother’s life’.

That statement will do it.

My latest is home gym equipment. We may, in fact, need a bigger house.

So far, my home gym equipment has not made me in any way fit, but I have no regrets.

Everything I order requires assembling. We are no good at this.

Luckily our neighbour is very handy. He is making a tidy living out of assembling my orders.

He has a cctv camera that views the road.

We have reached the point of…

‘I see you have had a delivery, do you need help’

He has also gently requested..

‘perhaps don’t try and assemble it, it takes me longer to take it apart and start again’

Posted on

That sounds worth having

I am, unfortunately for my wallet, a marketer’s dream.

You’ve heard of influencers? I’m not that. I’m easily influenced.

If someone recommends or gushes about something, I’m compelled to fit it into my world.

My lovely man tries to distract me when he can see on my face I am buying into something someone is mentioning. Actually a gush or a recommendation is not required. Just a casual passing remark will do.

I once bought an enormously expensive thing because a lady I sat next to at the departure lounge stated ‘it has changed my mother’s life’.

That statement will do it.

My latest is home gym equipment. We may, in fact, need a bigger house.

So far, my home gym equipment has not made me in any way fit, but I have no regrets.

Everything I order requires assembling. We are no good at this.

Luckily our neighbour is very handy. He is making a tidy living out of assembling my orders.

He has a cctv camera that views the road.

We have reached the point of…

‘I see you have had a delivery, do you need help’

He has also gently requested..

‘perhaps don’t try and assemble it, it takes me longer to take it apart and start again’

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Oh, that’s where it is

Is your lovely man incapable of finding anything? Whilst looking directly at it?

If I, as a potty mouth, has $10 for every curse word I uttered and every time my lovely man couldn’t find the obvious, I could retire.

Do we have soap for the shower the sweet soul asked me some days ago. Yes, I replied, in the cupboard in the spare bathroom.

After some days of bathing vs showering, I opted for a shower, only to find he is washing himself with a transparent shaving of soap.

Please bring me a bar of soap I yelled.

Where do we keep them he yelled back.

Faaaark

An epoch of time passed. The water ran cold, then the world’s water ran out.

I stood there, an unwashed, pissed off prune of a person.

I found them he stated, they were stacked in a pile, I wasn’t expecting that.

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You want me to eat what?

I live with some trepidation of what my lovely man is going to find online. There is no link the man won’t follow.

So recently he started reading about worm farms. Look darling, he advised, we can buy a worm farm and dispose of dog poo into it.

Our lives have reached this level of excitement.

So, of course, I ordered one. They were full of advice as to how many boxes of worms to order with it in proportion to the quantity and size of your dogs.

I asked if cat poo could be put in too. Nobody knows.

The poor things arrived.

I wondered if they had been trained, or at least briefed, of their diet from hereon. Are they a special type of worm I pondered. Masochists? I certainly feel like a sadist.

So now we have to gather up the dog poo and mix it in (with complicated ratios of hay and soil and kitchen waste), and feed it to these poor souls.

As it turns out, most of the pooing is done on the pup walk, so it’s great fun picking that up and bringing it home.

I’m not sure the worms are grateful.

Kitchen waste is leftover fresh fruit, veg and salad we are advised. Not a lot of it in this house, so they get my wine soaked strawberries.

Our worm farm came with instructions and at the bottom of the pamphlet, we were advised that there is a risk of the worms migrating if conditions are not suitable.

We are feeding them dog poo! The conditions are entirely unsuitable.

I fully expect to soon see a line of worms with their hats and backpacks, trundling off to greener pastures.

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What’s your pleasure?

I went for a massage recently. It was such a great massage that I forgot how to put on my bra, how to make payment and how to drive.

After I had successfully executed a 32 point turn to get out of the parking, and gathered my faculties somewhat, I decided I needed to change my life to maintain this happy state of fugue.

Dismissing a cocaine habit for economic reasons, I’ve decided to change the spare room into what I shall call ‘The Pleasure Parlour’

Which I will equip accordingly.

We do, in fact, already have a Thumper machine. If you do not have one and are therefore  deprived of a daily thump, shame for you.

Look it up, it’s a Canadian massage machine. There is no other like it. I don’t know much about Canadians, but this they do well.

I used to have a vibrating machine. A big one. For some reason, when I tried to describe it to others, hilarity ensued. It guaranteed weight loss and toning, but really it just loosened your fillings a bit. Not in a good way.

So, I have started to plot out my Pleasure Parlour. I became a bit worried that the name may raise some expectations, so I thought I’d throw some exercise equipment in too.

So, now I will call it the ‘Pain and Pleasure Parlour’

Because that’s much better and not fifty shades of anything.

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Is that tar?

I accompanied my lovely man to the barber again recently.

I left him to go in and popped into the nearby chemist first. For cold sore cream. I explained that it wasn’t for me, because I don’t get cold sores, and the lady helpfully commented that I must be the ‘giver’. The cold sore giver.

I’m sure she’s wrong.. But… Full disclosure.

The fellow at the barber shop was delighted when I walked in. Immediately gesturing that he could sort out my fluffy face one time. I stopped him in his tracks with ‘the look’.

There’s not a lot of English spoken at my lovely man’s barber shop. Nor is there a lot of explanation as to the the happenings.

Darling… My lovely man called out in mild panic, why are they putting tar on my ears? And why have I got earbuds in my nose?

Oh, I said, they must be waxing your hairy bits, brace yourself.

Darling… He cried out again, what’s happening, why are they laying me back now?

Don’t worry, I said, I don’t think they are going to waterboard you.

We’ve been watching Ozark, so this reassurance seemed necessary.

What they were doing was threading his eyebrows. My lovely man will no longer be on the list to play Santa after all this exceptional grooming.

The fellow did look longingly at my fluffy face again, imagining the good work he could do with that thread. Another look was necessary.

Is this what they do with beavers my lovely man enquired loudly. I’m not sure I replied, but they’ll probably put it on their list of services now that you’ve raised the idea.

I felt that my lovely man’s yelps of pain and cussing were a bit unnecessary, but the results were exceptional.

So much so, they felt compelled to show everyone in the shop the hair removal.

Photo to accompany Google review.

My lovely man has a bit of an attitude about repeating the experience.

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Show me where it hurts

In an effort to improve my fitness levels I have injured myself.

In the buttock sadly.

I’ve pulled a muscle in my bum I informed my lovely man.

How he asked.

Must be from my exercise regime I informed him. Obvs.

It’s extraordinary that you’ve hurt yourself considering your mild routine he commented.

And usually, he continued, oblivious to the hole he was digging, if someone pulls a muscle, they know about it immediately, when and how did your injury happen?

I explained, a bit frostily, that letting yourself go is a very gradual thing. Over many epochs really. As is building oneself up again.

So, now I have to pay a professional to tend to my buttock.

There was a time, that massaging my buttock was an offered service.

That ship, it appears, has sailed. And here we find ourselves.