Category: Daily Life

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It’s all a big hustle – Life in Africa

Most of the adult population in Southern Africa are not formally employed.  To survive, the people hustle. 

And it works.  Everything is available.  Everything is a negotiation.  I think, therefore, people from Southern Africa struggle in places that work normally.  We are not used to efficiency. It is exhausting here, it is frustrating, but we hustle and when we can’t hustle and there are RULES, we are bewildered.

Also, we get lots of additional services here. Useful.

I was always amused driving down a suburban street in Bryanston, Johannesburg, that advertised haircuts.  (Haircuts, styles, wigs, weaves etc are big money in Africa).  Quite a common thing to have snatched.  No worries about your jewellery or wallet being snatched by a mugger, they are likely to rip your expensive weave off your head. That’s when you have a real bad hair day.

But, I digress…

Along with the sign to advertise that you can get your hair cut on the side of road in Bryanston, the stylist doubled up as a traditional healer and could cast any number of spells to cure you of any ailment or curse your enemies as required.

I’m lucky if I get a cup of coffee at my hairdresser.

People don’t advertise their (informal) wares on websites really. But, they do so with Facebook pages and the like.

So, the FB page starts off with a clear description of what is being sold.  Zim Cars for example. But, diversification happens almost immediately. 

Here’s a handy service you can take advantage of at the same time you browse for a used vehicle.

•DO YOU DOUBT IF THE CHILD YOU ARE RAISING IS NOT YOURS?

•ARE YOU SUSPECTING IF YOUR WIFE HAD SOME AFFAIRS?

•DO YOU WANT TO KNOW YOUR PATERNAL OR MATERNAL RELATIVES?

•DO YOU WANT TO KNOW THE PERCENTAGE OF YOUR RACE?

•DO YOU WANT TO KNOW IF ITS POSSIBLE TO CONDUCT A DNA TEST WHEN ALLEGED FATHER IS DECEASED?

CONNECTS YOU TO THE TRUTH THROUGH THE APPLICATION OF GENETICS. DO A DNA TEST TODAY AND LIVE WITH THE BEST KNOWLEDGE FOREVER!!!!

Offers a wide range of DNA tests which best suit your condition and YES!!! , we have the SCIENTIFIC SOLUTION TO YOUR SOCIAL PROBLEM.

That’s what we need people, a scientific solution to our social problem. Don’t knock it until you try it.

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Topical – Full Disclosure

Did you hear about the Russian cosmonaut that was outside of the space ship doing some job or the other when he was advised to return to base immediately because his battery pack was likely to malfunction and leave him in all kinds of poo?

He must have bought his power pack from the same little streets of Beira shop I did. I also didn’t give them a rave review on line.

First, what is the difference between a cosmonaut and an astronaut?  Apparently nothing except Cosmonauts are trained and certified by the Russian Space Agency, and Astronauts are trained and certified by NASA and others.  There you go hey, no love lost….

Secondly, this wardrobe malfunction probably has more serious implications, although not as widely watched or repeated on mainstream media, as Janet Jackson’s nipple gate.  And various others. 

There is immediate suspicion of course, when there is a wardrobe malfunction that ends up exposing some intimate bit in public that it was intentional, you know, for the publicity.

I have had the odd wardrobe malfunction, but I can assure you I was not coerced into the behavior and I don’t believe any publicity did me any favors.

Once I went to the office loo and tucked the bottom of my skirt into my panties.  I wandered around the open plan area for a while with my bum cheek hanging out. 

I was telling a friend about the incident and that I was contemplating killing myself, or at least resigning, and she said that she had gone to the lav and also tucked her skirt hem and the toilet paper she’d been using into her panties. She trailed a long stream of less than pristine loo paper from her panty elastic for some time.

I think she won.

This, unfortunately, has not been the worst incident I, (but mostly those witnessing), have suffered.  Our Mandova was diligently cleaning out the lounge very early in the morning once and glanced out the lounge French doors, across the stretch of the verandah and straight into the bedroom French doors where I was leisurely clothing myself. Sadly, only in the very beginning stages of this dressing process.

We have never spoken of this, but it is not something he can unsee I suspect.  He is no longer as diligent about cleaning so early and if he does, he keeps all the drapes closed and his head down.  I suspect he has also started drinking.  I know I have.

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Daily Life – The Slow Movement

Have you heard of Carl Honore? He of “In Praise of Slowness’” fame? https://www.carlhonore.com/

I’m reading his book on my Kindle.  Slowly of course. Very insightful.

He promotes us all slowing down. This surely is a good thing? In Italy, I understand, there are cities that strive to transform themselves to Slow Cities. A meal there, for example can take an age deliberately.  One must not arrive hungry, because they probably only start harvesting your grub when you order.

I personally have very fond memories of spending the whole day at Clube Nautico Restaurant in Beira with friends. Completely inappropriate conversations that lasted the whole day.

The Italians, I further understand, are also known for their very fast driving. This, of course, is somewhat incongruent to the slow movement ambition.

Africa, is not always burdened with an enormous sense of urgency. The nation must have read this book and fully embraced it. Amanhã will do in Mozambique for sure.

When I moved to Mozambique from corporate Johannesburg almost a decade ago, I thought I would go mad. Or have a stroke. Of course, it was me that had to adapt to some extent. Finding a balance between high standards and not giving myself and everyone around me an ulcer.

But perhaps this is an attitude we should all embrace.  So much competitiveness and a need for speed.  Can’t be good. We need to be more Mozambican, or Italian maybe.  Wine and good food. I’m in.

However, there is clearly a fair bit of Italian in a Mozambican. Once they are behind the wheel of a car, it’s a race. Every second counts. One must get there urgently and then relax back into a snail’s pace.

Speed bumps and potholes do not in any way deter most drivers in Africa. These things are to be navigated in top gear. Like pulling off a plaster really. Do it quickly and put the jarring, shuddering pain behind you.

I used to drive hellishly fast. Was proud of my behavior too. Aggressive. I wasn’t going to take any nonsense from anyone. Johannesburg cured me of that. Along with realising I was going to give myself a heart attack, my aggression resulted in a confrontation I had to back down from. Road rage is not clever, and you don’t want to meet someone that is prepared to take it through to the end.

So, by the time I was driving in Mozambique, and indeed Zimbabwe, I was in the right head space.

And it’s always about head space, isn’t it? Everything really.

My lovely man is an excellent driver. He’s a good deal more assertive than me, and more inclined to nip around and push himself into spaces. Despite this, I feel very safe with him.

I suspect; however, he does not feel the same when I drive. And, when we do long distances, I often drive more. He’s got this bum thing going on that when he drives or sits in a car for a long time, he gets a pain in the bum.

He is, in fact, a pain in the bum when I drive. Nervous and critical. And his brake foot pumps excessively and impotently in the passenger seat.

A lot of calling out to Jesus to save him.  And the irritating ‘watch it, watch it’

Just close your eyes and relax I urge him. I can’t he tells me, who will watch you.

At least, he says, we are likely to go together.

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Daily Life – bee less to date

This is a picture of my lovely man’s recently purchased and assembled bee hive.

It is, sadly, but not surprisingly really, without bee so far.

Just as well really because it is Sunday and I am quite keen to sit nearby with my glass of wine and strawberries soon.

This hive doesn’t really look like much considering the relatively substantial cost of it. And, for the moment, it really is just a box.

I googled the matter and this is what I am advised:

Will bees come to an empty beehive?

“Yes, with a bit of time and effort you can lure bees to an empty hive. For example, adding wax frames can act as a “bait” of sorts, while a smaller hive opening is preferable as it’s easier for new bees to protect.”

One immediately wants to know, how MUCH time and WHAT effort? This, at present, is a mystery. Do we have to put signs up? Advertise in the classifieds?

To his credit, the bee man who has exploited us fully, did provide some wax. (Extra of course).

I also observed that indeed the openings for the bees are extremely narrow. Not sure how any fat queen bee could maneuver herself in really. She’s going to have a right bitch if someone persuades her to check it out even.

I will keep you posted.

It is also important to note that the bee hive is now sitting on top of the bat box that was optimistically up in a tree for many months and remained without bat. So, unless the bats are keen to live under the bees at a very low level, we look to remain without bat too.

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Daily Life – it’s tense this blogging

It’s tense this stuff.

I can’t figure out how anyone can like, follow or subscribe.

My brother tells me he is working and will look into it tomorrow. Tomorrow! For pity’s sake.

My lovely man wants me to look at the apparently enormous moon. There’s no time! I last observed him commandeering Mandova to admire the moon with him.

The cat tried to sit on my lap and I had to scream in his face ‘I’m blogging!’

Then my lovely man said ‘You have to come and look darling, its not going to be this big again for a year’

And honestly, who can turn that down?

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Daily Life – you can’t make it up

Make up. I’m not good at it. Every time I think about doing something about improving my skills, I conclude I couldn’t really be bovvvered.

On a good day I look half respectable, on a bad day, I could play a starring role in ‘That 70’s Show’.

And make up brushes… I have a set. It didn’t really come with instructions and there are many, many brushes. I don’t know what they are supposed to be used for, I couldn’t really be bovvered see.

I was bemoaning the fact to a friend that I used the wrong brush incorrectly and now it has dark powder on it vs the light powder it should only have on it (don’t want to get too technical here).

I explained that this was a problem because now I was looking like I had two black eyes.

And then! I said with pride. I washed it. And now it’s fine.

Radical she said, how long did it take you to conclude that option, or use another of the many brushes you seem to have no use for?

I know right, I said, I am considered the problem solver in my organization.

Whatever they are paying you, she said, it’s probably too much.