Category: Daily Life

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Possibly still an attitude – a year on

I recently applied for new medical cover. The problem with any medical cover, is that you need to apply for it when you don’t need it. So, I thought I would get that sorted now.

They advised me that a mandatory examination is necessary for anyone over 50. Honestly, I said, I’m really healthy and I’m busy, can we skip this?

Apparently not.

Your medical examination is today my lovely man reminded me as I was dressing.

Oh yes, I said, do you think they’ll put me on a treadmill, best I wear a sports bra. Also, do we have an oxygen cannister. Hopefully he won’t notice my gasps and mark me down.

Also, I pondered, do you think I’ll have to strip to my undies? Best I wear a matching set.

Nothing too skimpy my lovely man warned. You don’t want to risk a flap malfunction or nipple-gate.

Solid advice.

Take a wet wipe, he continued, in case you have to wee in a cup.

I’ll take my She Wee I said, that’ll impress them, I won’t even need the facilities.

We had to climb stairs to the doctors rooms, which I thought was deserving of a free pass.

Oh, the receptionist said, I forgot to phone you, he can only see you later.

That cheered me up.

How’s your blood pressure the doctor asked. Normally it’s low, I advised, but I suspect it will be spot on now that I’ve been waiting for you for 45 minutes.

Congratulations said the doctor, you’ve passed with flying colours. I’m signing off that there is nothing wrong with you. I am, however, making a note that you have a bit of an attitude.

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Gotta be love

I am languishing in Beiradise currently while my lovely man holds the fort in Harare.

Darling, he enquired… Alfie is licking his knob a lot and it looks dry and sore. Any ideas on what could help?

Oh no! I cried. My poor little boy pup.

I had many suggestions… None of which would have been appreciated.

I settled on..

Try coconut oil. You may have to apply it a few times a day.

Good grief he moaned. How much longer before you are back?

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It’s a fail for you

I was talking to a friend who has applied for something recently and been subjected to some tests.

As she was describing them I said… Oh yes, those are those cognitive tests.

I’m not sure how well I did she said.

Sometimes, I said, I fail those little block tests confirming if you are a robot or not.

Thank you, she said, I feel better.

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Fear not

Quite often, when I slog up the stairs to my little house in the clouds (there are 36 stairs), I get a bit apprehensive and am convinced someone is following me.

So, I whip around, heart in my mouth, to defend myself….

But, its only the sound of my thighs rubbing together I’m hearing.

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Take me off your mailing list!

Spam and telemarketing calls…..

Don’t you hate them?

As I write this I realise I am spam. Still, never mind hey?

I once bought something of Brian Tracy’s. He’s a sale guru, and credit to him, he’s brilliant. But…. My word, he doesn’t give up.. Doesn’t matter how many times I unsubscribe, a bit of time passes and I’m back on that mailing list. I’m not even sure the man is alive even, and he’s still trying to sell me something. Like a phoenix from the ashes…. I feel like I have been in a relationship with Brian Tracy for decades.

And unsolicited telemarketing calls! Hate them. Especially those ones that are just a recording yelling at you. Really? What?

Actually it’s a miracle if I answer my phone. I am not fond of receiving phone calls. There is nothing that can’t be voice messaged or texted people!

If someone has died, kindly text me ‘someone has died, can we schedule a call’ and then I’ll send a meeting request see?

If I do miraculously answer the phone and it’s a telemarketer, I try and be kind. Coz really, it’s got to be one of the most demoralising jobs ever. (And I now get telemarketing calls in three countries). But then I tell them I now live in Kazakhstan, that they are paying roaming costs and I don’t have money to feed myself. I ask if they can please send me money, or at least take me off the call list. They do neither.

I also interrogate them on their success rate. Because honestly, does it work?

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Yes, yes, of course there’s room

In Zimbabwe a common request when anyone is looking to purchase a vehicle is for a ‘fuel saver’. The type of vehicle required is unspecified, it must just run on the sniff of an oil rag.

With, of course, the exception of government officials. They require a ‘gas guzzler’.

Zimbabwe is a horrendously expensive place. So, it’s natural that saving costs is a concern.

As a result, the most popular form of public transport taxi is a Honda Fit. A Honda Fit is not a big car, its a 5 seater. Clearly its been tried and tested as reliable and a fuel saver.

It’s necessary, it appears, to tint the windows of your illegal taxi. Presumably to make it more difficult to count how many people are squeezed in. 10 to 12 is pretty average. It’s not clear if the very little boot has the luggage, or more people.

I am particularly delighted when there is a passenger standing on the running board and holding on to the roof, because they just couldn’t quite get one more inside, but a long distance lift was required.

I’m unsure how the insurance works in these scenarios. Or if the guy hanging on gets a discount on the fare.

I will be stopped at a road block because ‘it appears your reflector sticker may start to peel slightly soon’. This as a Honda Fit rolls by with a spanner as a steering wheel and 44 people crammed inside.

I had a Honda once and remember that it was quite expensive to service. Obviously I was doing it wrong. You know, with genuine parts and a registered mechanic.

Your mate next door can do wonders with cable ties, sticky tape and whatever is lying around. Very economical.

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This relationship is over

My brother actually has hair, and at one stage kept his hair very long.

My sister-in-law met him at this long haired stage, so she’s obviously a keeper.

He now chooses to keep his hair very short and diligently shaves it himself once a week with some fancy clippers he has.

He offered to get my lovely man same fancy clipper, but my lovely man quite enjoys being pampered by the cuties that come around periodically in Beira and Harare to groom us.

Not to be confused with the groomers that come around periodically to clip my Bella and Alfie.

Prior to my brother getting his fancy clippers, and possibly the reason for him getting the fancy clippers…. He was somewhere (his lovely wife in tow), getting a haircut.

The fellow apparently asked him if he would like his ear hair taken care of (yes, he is also at that age). Unwittingly, my brother agreed.

Before he knew it, he had wax inserted into his ear canal and an ear bud sticking out of each ear.

My sister-in-law’s only regret was not having a camera.

At this point, my brother thought this was his biggest problem. Not so, that stuff was then pulled out.

Spontaneous tears.

Would you like me, the fellow asked, to do your nose hairs?

This relationship, my brother replied, ends here.

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Aaaah, Africa…

My brother and sister-in-law are visiting my lovely man and I from the States. We are spending some time together in Zimbabwe.

My brother has not been back to Zimbabwe for 40 years. His lovely wife has never been to Zimbabwe.

Last week we were in Victoria Falls. What a place. Nothing is too much trouble for the people there. The whole town and surroundings are geared to make your experience exceptional. And it was.

And of course, there is the falls, and the river. The Zambezi. Touches your soul the Zambezi.

In case you didn’t know…

“The Zambezi River is the fourth-longest river in Africa, the longest east-flowing river in Africa and the largest flowing into the Indian Ocean from Africa.”

And now we have a few days in Kariba. Another special place. Again….. the Zambezi…. this time with a lake. Hot in Kariba. Even at this time of the year, the start of summer.

When you spend time in places like this, you realise again how very, very hard it is to leave Africa. How much there is to appreciate.

And here I am. With people I not only love, but I really like.

My cup people, runneth over.