Tag: www.ohsorosie.com

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Marco….. Polo

About a year ago we splurged and upgraded my lovely man’s hearing aid.

The first set he had was not cheap, this one eye watering.

But… Necessary for his well being and my sanity really.

A few months later, we came back from walking the pups and he announced that one was missing.

The angels were watching over us, because we retraced our steps and found it lying in the road.

Darling… He announced earlier today… My left hearing aid is not in my ear.

Someone else take the wheel for a bit I thought to myself.

We started to look for it.

Do you think the app on my phone can track it he asked.

I looked at him… Astounded at the brilliance.

I actually had to sit down and take a wee sip of wine.

Where’s your phone?

I don’t know.

(Another sip).

Phone found…. The hearing aid is in the house!

And there we start…. Very Far…. Far.. Near.. The clever app guided us.

It’s in the kitchen!

15 minutes of searching the floor and counters. Realizing we have the worst tiles ever that could camouflage a lost rhinoceros if it fell on the floor.

Very near… It’s in the bin.

Of course.

Perhaps it’s time to give them a good clean my lovely man murmured.

Perhaps it’s time for wine.

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Enjoy your stay

We have bathroom scales. Not recommended, but we do. We hate ourselves like that.

My lovely man announced that his was no longer working. Of course I checked and yes, it appeared to have given up on life.

Do you want to just use mine I enquired.

No, he firmly responded, yours is not very friendly.

I knew it! Arsehole thing.

So, I bought him a new scale.

There’s two here, he advised.

Yes, I said, it was a good price if I bought two.

He looked at me quietly.

You’re going to put the arsehole scale in the guest room aren’t you?

There’s a fat mirror in there too I told him.

No wonder nobody visits us twice.

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Coincidence? I think not

A friend told me that if you are diabetic, you need to look after your heels, because once they crack, it’s a right chore to fix.

So, I was telling my dear old dad this.

Yes, he said, I take care of my heels with Zambuk.

Actually, he said, I always think of you when I’m applying the Zambuk because of the blog you wrote about the lid difficulty.

Your blog, he continued, must have quite a reach, because just after that, they improved the lid.

The world, or at least the Zambuk users, have a lot to thank you for, he ended.

Bless the faith of the dads. Bless the dads.

Also… Send gifts.

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Give me a minute, I’m rewiring

I’m quite interested in mindfulness and the rewiring of the brain / mind to engender better habits and thought patterns.

On the positive I’m quite strong minded and determined.

On the negative I’m a multi tasker and I’ve got shit to do!

So… Relaxation… The quietening of the mind and meditation is a challenge.

I decided to turn to a bit of hypnotherapy, so I got an app and plugged my buds into my lugs to listen for the required 20 minutes or so to the soothing inspiration that is going to turn my life around.

‘Try and listen to each session 3 or 4 times a day in peace and quiet’ was the suggestion.

Who the f&#@ has that luxury I thought.

Any hooo.

Unfortunately, as soon as there is a suggestion of me getting into a prone position to ‘relax’ there is a mad scramble of little animals to sit on top of me. This raucous takes a few minutes and the two winners settle their fat little bodies on my fat little body. The others settle next to me and snore like chainsaws within three seconds.

I then announce to my lovely man that I’m going to meditate for a bit.

Almost immediately he reads out an interesting article, plays a video… Or… My personal favorite.. Asks me if he has a CVS number because he’s clicked on a link and they are asking for it.

I persevere…

The soothing voice tells me I am going to ascend to a safe place. That I am at the top of a spiral staircase, and as I make my way down.. I will sink further and further into a state of serenity and be open to positive suggestions.

What the actual…?

Do I have to get there via death stairs? Why would anyone pick a spiral staircase for the love of…

Needless to say, I have not yet achieved a state of serenity.

I am spending most days in a state of white knuckled sweat.

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Call the cops

I am the morning tea /coffee maker in our household…. My lovely man used to spoil me with a cuppa in bed… But I am the less sore one first thing these days… So it only seems right..

Of course my day starts off a visit to the bathroom, while the cats remind me that they are close to starvation and can I move it up.

As I peered at myself in the mirror the other morning, it looked like I had a shiner over my right eyelid.

Must be make up I thought.

It happened to be our first date anniversary… Is this some way of my lovely man displaying his seven year itch I thought?

Then I looked over at him drinking his tea and munching on his choccie bic and remembered that he is, in fact, the loveliest.

A little later, in the bath, post face wash, my lovely man popped in to ask re. his chore list for the day, so I took the opportunity… darling, I said, can you see the bruise on my eye? No, he said, looks fine.

Great, I thought, make up… Washed off, all good.

Looked in the mirror… Shiner, definitely

Are we even seen ladies? Let alone heard?

This itself is a crime, surely?

So… I called the cops

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Mr Fernando stories…

Mr Fernando is the caretaker (I guess), of the building my little office is in.  Very pleasant fellow, carries my bag in for me, helps me open up etc.  Up until yesterday when my office door was fixed by a carpenter, it was quite an effort to open it.  A solid bashing with my hip if I was in company, and a even more solid rear ending if I was alone.  More effective, much less delicate.  Anyway, those days are behind me and the door now swings open effortlessly.   Mr Fernando does not speak any English and I,  we are well aware, am useless.  This does not stop Mr Fernando bonding with me.  My interjections of ‘Nao falo Portugues’ literally fall on deaf ears.  The man has a lot of shit to get off his chest I suspect. I have decided it is just polite to smile and nod.  It did occur to me this morning after our monologue that I am be agreeing to things I am oblivious to.  A very satisfied smile was bestowed on me before Mr Fernando wandered off to attend to his duties.  I suspect we are either 1) betrothed, 2) he is now in my employment or 3) I have agreed to include him in my will.

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All frothed up

‘Darling’ , my lovely man advised, ‘I’m not getting much of a froth on your cappacino of late, do you think there is something wrong with the milk?’

I had noticed this deterioration in quality, but I’m not one to complain as you well know.

Maybe, the frother is not being rinsed out properly I suggested. Perhaps there are remnants of sunlight liquid left, which are affecting the milk.

Unlikely he advised, I don’t use sunlight liquid, I just give it a little twirl under the cold tap, it’s only milk. Sometimes I use that little sponge, but it’s become a bit mingy.

Dear God, clearly I’ve got the constitution of a shire horse that I’ve not yet perished.

Anyway, if we invite you around for cappacino, perhaps bring your own.

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I can’t hear you

Do you have a lady in your car system that tells you how to get to places and also reads your messages out to you?

Isn’t she marvelous?

Ours is Doris… And either she is Scottish and can’t understand my accent, or she thinks I’m Scottish.

After she’s read out my message to me, she very politely asks me..

‘Do you want to reply?’

Then we start…

If she does hear my ‘yes’ and asks me what the message is.. She likes to put her own spin on things in the response.

As a result, my friends, family and associates all think I’m an illiterate half wit.

She is, unfortunately, incapable of hearing the word ‘No’ which I yell out if I don’t want to reply.

‘Do you want to reply to that’

‘No thank you’

‘I’m sorry, I didn’t get that’

‘NO’

‘I’m sorry, do you want to reply to that?’

‘NO‘

‘I’m sorry, I didn’t get that’

‘Oh, stuff off’

OK, it’s sent

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Just ring if you need me

My lovely man did himself an injury. He is back home, after a few days in hospital. Where, truth be told, he was wonderfully looked after and.. surprise, the food was fabulous. I was concerned, at some point, that he may opt to stay in hospital because the food standard exceeds what he gets at home.

But, he chose home, or they instructed him to leave… and for that I am grateful.

He now has some weeks/months of recovery ahead of him and will require help for quite a lot of things. Cue Old Flo Nightingale.

He’s a real toughie my lovely man. Not at all a whinger. High pain threshold. I am the complete opposite. Whinger supreme and I skipped the pain threshold handout queue.

Of course, unless it’s me doing the whinging, it’s not allowed.

There has been much banter between us where he is insisting he is not going to need help , he’ll be OK, (he does need help), and me telling him that he must ask and not over do things or he is going to take longer to heal.

So, back from the hospital I helped him to bed (hospitals are not restful places, what’s with that?)

Just as I was about to emphasise again that he must PLEASE not do anything that he needs help with he said…

“You know what you should bring me… that little brass dinner bell.. then I can just ring it if I need you”

Guess he’s getting the hang of this.

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A little misunderstanding

We had cause, recently, to spend some time in a hospital emergency area. (All is well).

They were very busy.. We had quite a wait.. I may, or may not have got a bit sassy in my negotiations for assistance.

A nurse popped in and said ‘I’m so sorry that your dad is having to wait so long, we are doing the best we can’

My lovely man didn’t hear her, we left the house in a hurry and his ears were not attached. Not a priority at the time.

I didn’t correct her, yaaay for me and my youthful glow and my lovely man was in pain and not looking his best.

Time passed.. I went looking for help.. Again.

When I came back my lovely man said…. ‘A lady just came in and apologized that she thought you were my doctor, why would she think you were my doctor, must be because you are bossing everyone around’

Love him the most.