Tag: A quirky look at ordinary life

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Can’t be too careful

In Mozambique, well certainly in Beira, they like to steal parts of your car and sell them back to you.

It’s a very efficient system, you can go to the market, enquire about a recently missing part and buy it back for top dollar.

The solution is to engrave (with some sort of identity number), as much as you can, and pop rivet things here and there.

As with most security, you really just want it to be easier that they steal from someone else.

In a panic, we realised my lovely man’s car was not adequately identified and secured. And, before it could be done, I had to use it to go to the parlour for a wee pedicure.

Unfortunately, at the very pleasant parlour, I have, for some years, been nominated the sadist to attend to my pedicure. Not only is there no sign of rough heels after a session, I am usually limping out on bloody stumps.

As it turns out, she is a very thoughtful sadist. She noticed me peering out the window continually to try and ensure nobody lifted a wing mirror off the car.

She indicated that she was in a better position to watch the car. Then she got everyone else in the salon who wasn’t busy, to watch the car in shifts.

Bless them! I managed to return home with the car intact. Not so much my heels.

My lovely man then had the car attended to. I had to get extra money from the company to pay the guy, he announced, I didn’t have enough. Come and look.

Everything is engraved people. And everything else is pop riveted. I think they only stopped pop riveting because they ran out he advised me.

I suspect the car is 50% heavier and the fuel efficiency halved. But hey, its safe.

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Possibly still an attitude – a year on

I recently applied for new medical cover. The problem with any medical cover, is that you need to apply for it when you don’t need it. So, I thought I would get that sorted now.

They advised me that a mandatory examination is necessary for anyone over 50. Honestly, I said, I’m really healthy and I’m busy, can we skip this?

Apparently not.

Your medical examination is today my lovely man reminded me as I was dressing.

Oh yes, I said, do you think they’ll put me on a treadmill, best I wear a sports bra. Also, do we have an oxygen cannister. Hopefully he won’t notice my gasps and mark me down.

Also, I pondered, do you think I’ll have to strip to my undies? Best I wear a matching set.

Nothing too skimpy my lovely man warned. You don’t want to risk a flap malfunction or nipple-gate.

Solid advice.

Take a wet wipe, he continued, in case you have to wee in a cup.

I’ll take my She Wee I said, that’ll impress them, I won’t even need the facilities.

We had to climb stairs to the doctors rooms, which I thought was deserving of a free pass.

Oh, the receptionist said, I forgot to phone you, he can only see you later.

That cheered me up.

How’s your blood pressure the doctor asked. Normally it’s low, I advised, but I suspect it will be spot on now that I’ve been waiting for you for 45 minutes.

Congratulations said the doctor, you’ve passed with flying colours. I’m signing off that there is nothing wrong with you. I am, however, making a note that you have a bit of an attitude.

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Keep that in your pants here

In Zimbabwe and Mozambique, there are any number of social media sites you can use to ask for help or where to find something.

For whatever reason, Google and Web pages are used far less here. You can find an appropriate group on FB and someone will help you. And then….. Very quickly, they will deliver the goods to you if a deal is struck.

It’s all quite astounding, useful, and often very amusing.

But a query this morning has taken the biscuit.

Unfortunately he has posted anonymously, but no doubt in due course admin will spill the beans and tell at least one friend who it is. That’s keeping a secret isn’t it? One at a time?

Anyway, some bloke from the UK (and we can safely predict it is a bloke, as you will see), claims his side hustle is selling his sperm. (See? He must at least identify as a bloke and produce something he is trading).

Now he is enquiring if he can continue this lucrative career in Zimbabwe.

In Zimbabwe?

He has described himself, as part of his pitch, and is gauging interest before he moves to Zimbabwe. He’s been going at this quite successfully in the UK for a number of years, will be badly missed there, but is clearly prepared to continue sowing his seed to assist Zimbabwe.

The comments….

Some people of very admiring of this side hustle and hadn’t realised its potential. They too are willing and able, so are ‘following’

‘Here in Zimbabwe’ advises another reader, ‘we don’t pay for sperm donation my friend. They just knock you up and run away. We call it mjolo’. She goes on to advise him to look for another job.

Another…. ‘its pretty much given away this side’

Another ‘donating in a cup or in kind…?’

The inevitable…. ‘I’m willing, what maintenance will you pay me?’

Another has offered him 10,000. Zimbabwe dollars

Who knows how this will end? I too am ‘following’ with great interest.

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Why did you give up that job?

My lovely man has had an interesting work career. I think he has started many more businesses than he has actually been employed by companies. A real entrepreneur. And he is knowledgeable in many things as a result.

of course the various stories are not only fascinating, but often amusing. Even when they don’t mean to be.

Like the ice business he had at one stage. Which, by all accounts, did very well. But, he closed it in a huff because the government wanted him to pay tax.

It’s just water he argued, frozen water! You can’t tax water, it’s a basic human right. (As should be the ice cubes in your Scotch).

So, in outrage, he closed the business down and did something else. That showed them.

We wish water was free, and that income couldn’t be taxed.

Ask Shakira about adopting that attitude.

Of course, we could all be evangelists. They are tax exempt. Marvelous.

I digress.

By far my lovely man’s favourite job and one he longs to return to, was driving yellow machines and front loaders. At one stage he helped out with loading sand into trucks. Best job ever! I’m not saying he is the one in the picture, but who knows. It didn’t last.

Quite often if we drive past a construction site or men driving TLB’s, forklifts and the like he will whisper…. what I would do for a backhoe.

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Get a move on already

My lovely man doesn’t do queues well. Nicest guy in the world, can get feisty about some things. Traffic and queues really.

My parents are British. I suspect this means I am genetically more pre-disposed to managing queues.

My lovely man’s father was Afrikaans and his mother French Mauritian. Someone’s going to get blixemed with this combination.

I try and determine (on a good day to be honest), if and what control I can take over the situation (throwing money at the problem works in Africa), to improve/speed things up, if the task is absolutely necessary (can I delegate this shit or live without it)….. if nothing can be done and it HAS to get done, best to just relax into it.

A recent example, of course, was the hours/days long queues to pay respect to the Queen. I might not have had the same fortitude, but I was very admiring of those that persevered. And with true Brit Grit, did it with patience and good humour.

There was a bit of unhappiness when it was perceived people were jumping the queue. This, of course, is simply NOT ON. There was that lovely couple that present on ITV (they are very funny). Holly Willoughby and Phillip Schofield I believe. They have been accused of jumping the queue to pay respect to the Queen, and now a whole lot of people are trying to cancel them. You just can’t really get comfortable about how popular you may be, there will always be a crowd wanting to cancel you for some infraction or the other.

We all need to WOKE up people!

The problem in Africa, and why even the most calm amongst us gets riled, is there is no ORDER. There is chaos both in the traffic and in any queue. We are without rules or respect. We live in a constant state of Black Friday madness in Africa. And there doesn’t even have to be anything on sale, it is just a bun fight, ALL THE TIME.

Honestly, we have to up our cannabis intake or something. The continent would be better off stoned.

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It’s all a big hustle – Life in Africa

Most of the adult population in Southern Africa are not formally employed.  To survive, the people hustle. 

And it works.  Everything is available.  Everything is a negotiation.  I think, therefore, people from Southern Africa struggle in places that work normally.  We are not used to efficiency. It is exhausting here, it is frustrating, but we hustle and when we can’t hustle and there are RULES, we are bewildered.

Also, we get lots of additional services here. Useful.

I was always amused driving down a suburban street in Bryanston, Johannesburg, that advertised haircuts.  (Haircuts, styles, wigs, weaves etc are big money in Africa).  Quite a common thing to have snatched.  No worries about your jewellery or wallet being snatched by a mugger, they are likely to rip your expensive weave off your head. That’s when you have a real bad hair day.

But, I digress…

Along with the sign to advertise that you can get your hair cut on the side of road in Bryanston, the stylist doubled up as a traditional healer and could cast any number of spells to cure you of any ailment or curse your enemies as required.

I’m lucky if I get a cup of coffee at my hairdresser.

People don’t advertise their (informal) wares on websites really. But, they do so with Facebook pages and the like.

So, the FB page starts off with a clear description of what is being sold.  Zim Cars for example. But, diversification happens almost immediately. 

Here’s a handy service you can take advantage of at the same time you browse for a used vehicle.

•DO YOU DOUBT IF THE CHILD YOU ARE RAISING IS NOT YOURS?

•ARE YOU SUSPECTING IF YOUR WIFE HAD SOME AFFAIRS?

•DO YOU WANT TO KNOW YOUR PATERNAL OR MATERNAL RELATIVES?

•DO YOU WANT TO KNOW THE PERCENTAGE OF YOUR RACE?

•DO YOU WANT TO KNOW IF ITS POSSIBLE TO CONDUCT A DNA TEST WHEN ALLEGED FATHER IS DECEASED?

CONNECTS YOU TO THE TRUTH THROUGH THE APPLICATION OF GENETICS. DO A DNA TEST TODAY AND LIVE WITH THE BEST KNOWLEDGE FOREVER!!!!

Offers a wide range of DNA tests which best suit your condition and YES!!! , we have the SCIENTIFIC SOLUTION TO YOUR SOCIAL PROBLEM.

That’s what we need people, a scientific solution to our social problem. Don’t knock it until you try it.