Tag: A quirky look at ordinary life

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Give me a minute, I’m rewiring

I’m quite interested in mindfulness and the rewiring of the brain / mind to engender better habits and thought patterns.

On the positive I’m quite strong minded and determined.

On the negative I’m a multi tasker and I’ve got shit to do!

So… Relaxation… The quietening of the mind and meditation is a challenge.

I decided to turn to a bit of hypnotherapy, so I got an app and plugged my buds into my lugs to listen for the required 20 minutes or so to the soothing inspiration that is going to turn my life around.

‘Try and listen to each session 3 or 4 times a day in peace and quiet’ was the suggestion.

Who the f&#@ has that luxury I thought.

Any hooo.

Unfortunately, as soon as there is a suggestion of me getting into a prone position to ‘relax’ there is a mad scramble of little animals to sit on top of me. This raucous takes a few minutes and the two winners settle their fat little bodies on my fat little body. The others settle next to me and snore like chainsaws within three seconds.

I then announce to my lovely man that I’m going to meditate for a bit.

Almost immediately he reads out an interesting article, plays a video… Or… My personal favorite.. Asks me if he has a CVS number because he’s clicked on a link and they are asking for it.

I persevere…

The soothing voice tells me I am going to ascend to a safe place. That I am at the top of a spiral staircase, and as I make my way down.. I will sink further and further into a state of serenity and be open to positive suggestions.

What the actual…?

Do I have to get there via death stairs? Why would anyone pick a spiral staircase for the love of…

Needless to say, I have not yet achieved a state of serenity.

I am spending most days in a state of white knuckled sweat.

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Call the cops

I am the morning tea /coffee maker in our household…. My lovely man used to spoil me with a cuppa in bed… But I am the less sore one first thing these days… So it only seems right..

Of course my day starts off a visit to the bathroom, while the cats remind me that they are close to starvation and can I move it up.

As I peered at myself in the mirror the other morning, it looked like I had a shiner over my right eyelid.

Must be make up I thought.

It happened to be our first date anniversary… Is this some way of my lovely man displaying his seven year itch I thought?

Then I looked over at him drinking his tea and munching on his choccie bic and remembered that he is, in fact, the loveliest.

A little later, in the bath, post face wash, my lovely man popped in to ask re. his chore list for the day, so I took the opportunity… darling, I said, can you see the bruise on my eye? No, he said, looks fine.

Great, I thought, make up… Washed off, all good.

Looked in the mirror… Shiner, definitely

Are we even seen ladies? Let alone heard?

This itself is a crime, surely?

So… I called the cops

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All frothed up

‘Darling’ , my lovely man advised, ‘I’m not getting much of a froth on your cappacino of late, do you think there is something wrong with the milk?’

I had noticed this deterioration in quality, but I’m not one to complain as you well know.

Maybe, the frother is not being rinsed out properly I suggested. Perhaps there are remnants of sunlight liquid left, which are affecting the milk.

Unlikely he advised, I don’t use sunlight liquid, I just give it a little twirl under the cold tap, it’s only milk. Sometimes I use that little sponge, but it’s become a bit mingy.

Dear God, clearly I’ve got the constitution of a shire horse that I’ve not yet perished.

Anyway, if we invite you around for cappacino, perhaps bring your own.

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I can’t hear you

Do you have a lady in your car system that tells you how to get to places and also reads your messages out to you?

Isn’t she marvelous?

Ours is Doris… And either she is Scottish and can’t understand my accent, or she thinks I’m Scottish.

After she’s read out my message to me, she very politely asks me..

‘Do you want to reply?’

Then we start…

If she does hear my ‘yes’ and asks me what the message is.. She likes to put her own spin on things in the response.

As a result, my friends, family and associates all think I’m an illiterate half wit.

She is, unfortunately, incapable of hearing the word ‘No’ which I yell out if I don’t want to reply.

‘Do you want to reply to that’

‘No thank you’

‘I’m sorry, I didn’t get that’

‘NO’

‘I’m sorry, do you want to reply to that?’

‘NO‘

‘I’m sorry, I didn’t get that’

‘Oh, stuff off’

OK, it’s sent

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Leave me alone, I’m relaxing

What do you do to relax?

When I hear of people tuning into live feeds of wildlife watering holes, or fat bear week, I don’t feel too bad admitting I like to watch ASMR videos.

Autonomous Sensory Meridian Response. It’s a thing, I promise.

My lovely man will ask me what I’m doing and I’ve tried to explain… But he don’t get it… So I just say I’m meditating. I’m sure he thinks I’m addicted to porn.

I’ve written a list of things I’d like to do if I ever get to retire. And watching more ASMR is on the list.

I have my favourites that I subscribe to… As you do of course.

Actually it’s something you can experience in real life. For example…. If  you watch people cleaning or dusting… You could experience a very relaxing, tingling sensation.

That’s ASMR.

We have a cleaning lady.. But I am yet to find the courage to ask her if I can sit and stare at her as she’s cleaning the room.

Anyway…. I recently searched for ‘ASMR dusting’ … And came across a gem.

The room that was being cleaned must have been something out of the 1950’s.  Filthy and full of bric a brac.  If someone had asked me to clean it while they videoed me, I would most likely have thrown a match at it and gone home.

But… It was perfect to watch.

She put her marigolds on and got stuck in.

The wooden furniture was so dry, as she sprayed the polish, you could see it sucking the droplets out of the air.

Lampshades that had obviously never been dusted. Marvelous.

And an enormous array of ceramic cocks. Was this a thing in the 50’s? Must have been a special on. Glorious things to watch being dusted.

I’ve just realised I should have used the word rooster.

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Where does it hurt?

I had to see a chiropractor recently.

I’m a great fan of chiropractors, not as husbands, but that could just be me.

This one was a lady. I’m not sure what she identifies as, but as her husband was the office manager, she was unlikely to propose.

If she had… I would have had to decline. You know… Fool me once….

Any hooo… She asked me some questions re pain and I proudly advised that I has an extensive home gym.

Occasionally used…

I expanded on my rebounding WHILE using my punch bag.

She was suitably impressed.

Then I admitted that I has hurt my back doing this (not sure I’m any contender for the UFC).

Oh, she said.. How long do you bounce and box for?

Well… Now I had to lie… Because no matter how much you roll it out, 3 1/2 minutes just doesn’t sound sports injury inducing does it?

I’m not sure I replied, time became a blur. I think the clock ran out.

Of course she said… It’s probably the simultaneous twisting and bouncing that did it. Maybe do them separately.

Pathetic, I realized… She knows I’m pathetic.

I’ve gotta go back next week.

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Let’s not do that

Do you belong to chat groups?

Most of us do, surely?

I have a problem leaving chat groups. I feel it’s rude. I agonise over how to explain my exiting. So.. I mute, don’t contribute and regularly clear the chats. And hope I’m never confronted with ‘but we were all advised on the chat group’.

But now I feel I need to pay more attention.

Because, as it turns out, the chances of being included on some ‘War Room’ chat are slim… But not impossible.

So… Stay vigilant peeps… You could influence world events with your input.

Oh, and put spell check on maybe.

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I’m as surprised as you are

Apparently there’s some summit happening in Johannesburg in the not too distant future.

With an all you can eat buffet I understand.

So, the SA President decided he’d better mosey along to see if the city of gold is prepared.

He was surprised to find the place is a shambles.

Anybody else could have told him this… Coz you know.. Everyone knows.

So, there were some stern words to get their shit together we read.

As with anything that gets tended to in Africa, it will only be nice and shiny where any of the summit delegates may venture. But hey, shiny is shiny.

Not 5 minutes after reading that the big boss is surprised and disappointed an email lands in my inbox.

The City of Johannesburg writes to little old me, that I owe them R125 for a traffic violation in 2012.

I was surprised. I’ve been in the dark on this matter.

I left the city in 2013 and I think by then, none of the traffic cameras were working in Johannesburg.

This was, most likely, this camera’s last gasp.

But hey…. That R125 is going to make all the difference.

So… There is evidence that they are indeed getting their shit together.

I’m a little sorry they had to start with me.

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Oh, that’s where it is

Is your lovely man incapable of finding anything? Whilst looking directly at it?

If I, as a potty mouth, has $10 for every curse word I uttered and every time my lovely man couldn’t find the obvious, I could retire.

Do we have soap for the shower the sweet soul asked me some days ago. Yes, I replied, in the cupboard in the spare bathroom.

After some days of bathing vs showering, I opted for a shower, only to find he is washing himself with a transparent shaving of soap.

Please bring me a bar of soap I yelled.

Where do we keep them he yelled back.

Faaaark

An epoch of time passed. The water ran cold, then the world’s water ran out.

I stood there, an unwashed, pissed off prune of a person.

I found them he stated, they were stacked in a pile, I wasn’t expecting that.

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What’s your pleasure?

I went for a massage recently. It was such a great massage that I forgot how to put on my bra, how to make payment and how to drive.

After I had successfully executed a 32 point turn to get out of the parking, and gathered my faculties somewhat, I decided I needed to change my life to maintain this happy state of fugue.

Dismissing a cocaine habit for economic reasons, I’ve decided to change the spare room into what I shall call ‘The Pleasure Parlour’

Which I will equip accordingly.

We do, in fact, already have a Thumper machine. If you do not have one and are therefore  deprived of a daily thump, shame for you.

Look it up, it’s a Canadian massage machine. There is no other like it. I don’t know much about Canadians, but this they do well.

I used to have a vibrating machine. A big one. For some reason, when I tried to describe it to others, hilarity ensued. It guaranteed weight loss and toning, but really it just loosened your fillings a bit. Not in a good way.

So, I have started to plot out my Pleasure Parlour. I became a bit worried that the name may raise some expectations, so I thought I’d throw some exercise equipment in too.

So, now I will call it the ‘Pain and Pleasure Parlour’

Because that’s much better and not fifty shades of anything.