Holidays hurt man
Give it to me now
My lovely man is a nervous passenger. At least he is with me. Which is strange, because I’m an excellent driver.
My lovely man would do all the driving if he could. Unfortunately for him, we do regular long trips. He has two issues (excluding me). He doesn’t sleep before any travel. Like for a week. But especially the night before. Probably because he is worrying about the section that he has to let me drive. The second issue is he has this whole pain in the bum thing going on. Once again, over and above me. So, his right cheek goes into a spasm after driving for a few hours and then he, very reluctantly, has to let me take over.
This is not a restful time for him. Much foot pumping, grimacing, imploring the heavens to save us and quite a bit of criticism.
All of this I blissfully ignore. Because I’m an excellent driver. I’ve never had an accident that was my fault. (I’ve always managed to drive away before anyone realised I was the cause).
Relax darling I instruct, let Jesus take the wheel. Unfortunately, he replied, you are at the wheel.
On a recent trip as we were nearing Harare, I asked if he thought Surrey pies would be open.
Are you allowed… he started.. and then thought better of it.
I haven’t eaten carbs for two months. Must be something to this theory, because I have dropped 7kg’s so far. What is alarming is that I have more than 7kg to lose.
But now, I was having a pie fantasy. Wait until you are over 50, your fantasies dramatically change.
So, we got some pies. I was still in the driving seat. Please can I have my pie I asked.
They are really, really hot darling, he tried. And you are driving. Perhaps we should wait until we get home.
GIVE ME THE PIE.
My already nervous back seat driver now had to endure me driving with one hand and nibbling on a molten pie. It was too much.
Before you kill us and this literally be our last meal, he instructed, pull over and let me drive and you eat the pie.
Who’s the hangry one really?
I’m just here for the electricity
Black Friday. Are we loving it or not?
Somebody save me
We went for a walk on the beach in Beira. You have to plan this around low tide in Beira. The beach is, sadly, not the cleanest, and requires the pulling in of all that rubbish by the backwash. (Yes, Gretha would actually just fall down in a weeping mess if she ever visited here). Secondly, the beach slopes, and unless you have two severely different leg lengths, it’s terribly uncomfortable to walk for any distance.
And then, of course, if low tide occurs during the heat of the day, any idea of going for a stroll should be immediately discarded.
We managed to venture out at the relatively reasonable hour of 8am. (We actually should only have gone at 08h30… but my lovely man likes to be early for everything). Being early for anything in Mozambique is actually not a good idea, because you usually find yourself alone in your punctuality.
I digress…
On a Sunday, there are usually Church services (and soccer games), happening on the beach. In amongst the debris from the Saturday night party of course. Alcohol is not allowed on Mozambique beaches, but this law is not ever evident from the broken bottles to be found at any given time.
I digress…
Oh look, my lovely man announced, they are baptizing someone. And indeed, there was much shouting and singing and what appeared to be the public drowning of some poor woman.
Baptism in the Beira sea shallows is not for sissies. However, it appears that the banishing of any demons is guaranteed. Standing on the beach observing, we too felt cleansed of our sins. The woman being blessed was not, it appeared, given much time to catch a breath of air between her repeated dunks. There was a LOT to be said about the matter it was obvious, and all of it to the rhythm of repeatedly pushing her under, pulling her out, pushing her under.
The crowd sang on encouragingly. She must have been thinking ‘Just as well I’m being baptized, because the end is nigh.’ Like now.
It this what water boarding is like I asked my lovely man.
It looked to be over… but actually.. a close friend was just removing her…. to deeper water…
I think we should leave I suggested, before we are asked to be witnesses to a crime scene.
Motherhood, gotta love it
Possibly still an attitude – a year on
I recently applied for new medical cover. The problem with any medical cover, is that you need to apply for it when you don’t need it. So, I thought I would get that sorted now.
They advised me that a mandatory examination is necessary for anyone over 50. Honestly, I said, I’m really healthy and I’m busy, can we skip this?
Apparently not.
Your medical examination is today my lovely man reminded me as I was dressing.
Oh yes, I said, do you think they’ll put me on a treadmill, best I wear a sports bra. Also, do we have an oxygen cannister. Hopefully he won’t notice my gasps and mark me down.
Also, I pondered, do you think I’ll have to strip to my undies? Best I wear a matching set.
Nothing too skimpy my lovely man warned. You don’t want to risk a flap malfunction or nipple-gate.
Solid advice.
Take a wet wipe, he continued, in case you have to wee in a cup.
I’ll take my She Wee I said, that’ll impress them, I won’t even need the facilities.
We had to climb stairs to the doctors rooms, which I thought was deserving of a free pass.
Oh, the receptionist said, I forgot to phone you, he can only see you later.
That cheered me up.
How’s your blood pressure the doctor asked. Normally it’s low, I advised, but I suspect it will be spot on now that I’ve been waiting for you for 45 minutes.
Congratulations said the doctor, you’ve passed with flying colours. I’m signing off that there is nothing wrong with you. I am, however, making a note that you have a bit of an attitude.
Hope your Halloween was fun!
Avoid at all costs
Gotta be love
I am languishing in Beiradise currently while my lovely man holds the fort in Harare.
Darling, he enquired… Alfie is licking his knob a lot and it looks dry and sore. Any ideas on what could help?
Oh no! I cried. My poor little boy pup.
I had many suggestions… None of which would have been appreciated.
I settled on..
Try coconut oil. You may have to apply it a few times a day.
Good grief he moaned. How much longer before you are back?