Author: Rosie

My name is Rosemary. Generally, I’m known as Rosie or Rose. I don’t at all mind what people call me. When I was young a song writing boyfriend wrote me a song called ‘Ordinary Girl’. I was a bit miffed at the time, we all want to be special, don’t we? But it’s true, I am ordinary, and now that I’m older and hopefully a bit wiser, I’m grateful for that. Extraordinary must be a bit tiring. Living in Africa is interesting. And that’s being polite. I cope by trying to see the humour in my ordinary little life. So, this is what I am sharing with you. My take on very ordinary things. I hope you laugh; I hope my nonsense writings uplift you. If you like what I write, please share my blog. If you really like what I like, please subscribe. If you really, really like my drivel please…. Well, you know...
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Leave me alone, I’m relaxing

What do you do to relax?

When I hear of people tuning into live feeds of wildlife watering holes, or fat bear week, I don’t feel too bad admitting I like to watch ASMR videos.

Autonomous Sensory Meridian Response. It’s a thing, I promise.

My lovely man will ask me what I’m doing and I’ve tried to explain… But he don’t get it… So I just say I’m meditating. I’m sure he thinks I’m addicted to porn.

I’ve written a list of things I’d like to do if I ever get to retire. And watching more ASMR is on the list.

I have my favourites that I subscribe to… As you do of course.

Actually it’s something you can experience in real life. For example…. If  you watch people cleaning or dusting… You could experience a very relaxing, tingling sensation.

That’s ASMR.

We have a cleaning lady.. But I am yet to find the courage to ask her if I can sit and stare at her as she’s cleaning the room.

Anyway…. I recently searched for ‘ASMR dusting’ … And came across a gem.

The room that was being cleaned must have been something out of the 1950’s.  Filthy and full of bric a brac.  If someone had asked me to clean it while they videoed me, I would most likely have thrown a match at it and gone home.

But… It was perfect to watch.

She put her marigolds on and got stuck in.

The wooden furniture was so dry, as she sprayed the polish, you could see it sucking the droplets out of the air.

Lampshades that had obviously never been dusted. Marvelous.

And an enormous array of ceramic cocks. Was this a thing in the 50’s? Must have been a special on. Glorious things to watch being dusted.

I’ve just realised I should have used the word rooster.

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Where does it hurt?

I had to see a chiropractor recently.

I’m a great fan of chiropractors, not as husbands, but that could just be me.

This one was a lady. I’m not sure what she identifies as, but as her husband was the office manager, she was unlikely to propose.

If she had… I would have had to decline. You know… Fool me once….

Any hooo… She asked me some questions re pain and I proudly advised that I has an extensive home gym.

Occasionally used…

I expanded on my rebounding WHILE using my punch bag.

She was suitably impressed.

Then I admitted that I has hurt my back doing this (not sure I’m any contender for the UFC).

Oh, she said.. How long do you bounce and box for?

Well… Now I had to lie… Because no matter how much you roll it out, 3 1/2 minutes just doesn’t sound sports injury inducing does it?

I’m not sure I replied, time became a blur. I think the clock ran out.

Of course she said… It’s probably the simultaneous twisting and bouncing that did it. Maybe do them separately.

Pathetic, I realized… She knows I’m pathetic.

I’ve gotta go back next week.

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Let’s not do that

Do you belong to chat groups?

Most of us do, surely?

I have a problem leaving chat groups. I feel it’s rude. I agonise over how to explain my exiting. So.. I mute, don’t contribute and regularly clear the chats. And hope I’m never confronted with ‘but we were all advised on the chat group’.

But now I feel I need to pay more attention.

Because, as it turns out, the chances of being included on some ‘War Room’ chat are slim… But not impossible.

So… Stay vigilant peeps… You could influence world events with your input.

Oh, and put spell check on maybe.

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I’m as surprised as you are

Apparently there’s some summit happening in Johannesburg in the not too distant future.

With an all you can eat buffet I understand.

So, the SA President decided he’d better mosey along to see if the city of gold is prepared.

He was surprised to find the place is a shambles.

Anybody else could have told him this… Coz you know.. Everyone knows.

So, there were some stern words to get their shit together we read.

As with anything that gets tended to in Africa, it will only be nice and shiny where any of the summit delegates may venture. But hey, shiny is shiny.

Not 5 minutes after reading that the big boss is surprised and disappointed an email lands in my inbox.

The City of Johannesburg writes to little old me, that I owe them R125 for a traffic violation in 2012.

I was surprised. I’ve been in the dark on this matter.

I left the city in 2013 and I think by then, none of the traffic cameras were working in Johannesburg.

This was, most likely, this camera’s last gasp.

But hey…. That R125 is going to make all the difference.

So… There is evidence that they are indeed getting their shit together.

I’m a little sorry they had to start with me.

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Sounds reasonable

I belong to all kinds of groups across various platforms.

They often provide enormously useful information, but mostly I’m there for the humor.

A few of the groups are immigration and foreign residency related. So, they provide input on people trying to move to, live or work in different countries.

Dah…

This is a complex business as you can imagine. The Don, of course, makes it a lot easier. It’s just a NO from him.

I digress…

As I said… It’s good humor.

My favorite query to date.

I’ll just leave it here.

“Hy if I’m legally married to my ex husband  .can I get a life patner visa for  my boyfriend”

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That sounds worth having

I am, unfortunately for my wallet, a marketer’s dream.

You’ve heard of influencers? I’m not that. I’m easily influenced.

If someone recommends or gushes about something, I’m compelled to fit it into my world.

My lovely man tries to distract me when he can see on my face I am buying into something someone is mentioning. Actually a gush or a recommendation is not required. Just a casual passing remark will do.

I once bought an enormously expensive thing because a lady I sat next to at the departure lounge stated ‘it has changed my mother’s life’.

That statement will do it.

My latest is home gym equipment. We may, in fact, need a bigger house.

So far, my home gym equipment has not made me in any way fit, but I have no regrets.

Everything I order requires assembling. We are no good at this.

Luckily our neighbour is very handy. He is making a tidy living out of assembling my orders.

He has a cctv camera that views the road.

We have reached the point of…

‘I see you have had a delivery, do you need help’

He has also gently requested..

‘perhaps don’t try and assemble it, it takes me longer to take it apart and start again’

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That sounds worth having

I am, unfortunately for my wallet, a marketer’s dream.

You’ve heard of influencers? I’m not that. I’m easily influenced.

If someone recommends or gushes about something, I’m compelled to fit it into my world.

My lovely man tries to distract me when he can see on my face I am buying into something someone is mentioning. Actually a gush or a recommendation is not required. Just a casual passing remark will do.

I once bought an enormously expensive thing because a lady I sat next to at the departure lounge stated ‘it has changed my mother’s life’.

That statement will do it.

My latest is home gym equipment. We may, in fact, need a bigger house.

So far, my home gym equipment has not made me in any way fit, but I have no regrets.

Everything I order requires assembling. We are no good at this.

Luckily our neighbour is very handy. He is making a tidy living out of assembling my orders.

He has a cctv camera that views the road.

We have reached the point of…

‘I see you have had a delivery, do you need help’

He has also gently requested..

‘perhaps don’t try and assemble it, it takes me longer to take it apart and start again’

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Oh, that’s where it is

Is your lovely man incapable of finding anything? Whilst looking directly at it?

If I, as a potty mouth, has $10 for every curse word I uttered and every time my lovely man couldn’t find the obvious, I could retire.

Do we have soap for the shower the sweet soul asked me some days ago. Yes, I replied, in the cupboard in the spare bathroom.

After some days of bathing vs showering, I opted for a shower, only to find he is washing himself with a transparent shaving of soap.

Please bring me a bar of soap I yelled.

Where do we keep them he yelled back.

Faaaark

An epoch of time passed. The water ran cold, then the world’s water ran out.

I stood there, an unwashed, pissed off prune of a person.

I found them he stated, they were stacked in a pile, I wasn’t expecting that.

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You want me to eat what?

I live with some trepidation of what my lovely man is going to find online. There is no link the man won’t follow.

So recently he started reading about worm farms. Look darling, he advised, we can buy a worm farm and dispose of dog poo into it.

Our lives have reached this level of excitement.

So, of course, I ordered one. They were full of advice as to how many boxes of worms to order with it in proportion to the quantity and size of your dogs.

I asked if cat poo could be put in too. Nobody knows.

The poor things arrived.

I wondered if they had been trained, or at least briefed, of their diet from hereon. Are they a special type of worm I pondered. Masochists? I certainly feel like a sadist.

So now we have to gather up the dog poo and mix it in (with complicated ratios of hay and soil and kitchen waste), and feed it to these poor souls.

As it turns out, most of the pooing is done on the pup walk, so it’s great fun picking that up and bringing it home.

I’m not sure the worms are grateful.

Kitchen waste is leftover fresh fruit, veg and salad we are advised. Not a lot of it in this house, so they get my wine soaked strawberries.

Our worm farm came with instructions and at the bottom of the pamphlet, we were advised that there is a risk of the worms migrating if conditions are not suitable.

We are feeding them dog poo! The conditions are entirely unsuitable.

I fully expect to soon see a line of worms with their hats and backpacks, trundling off to greener pastures.

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What’s your pleasure?

I went for a massage recently. It was such a great massage that I forgot how to put on my bra, how to make payment and how to drive.

After I had successfully executed a 32 point turn to get out of the parking, and gathered my faculties somewhat, I decided I needed to change my life to maintain this happy state of fugue.

Dismissing a cocaine habit for economic reasons, I’ve decided to change the spare room into what I shall call ‘The Pleasure Parlour’

Which I will equip accordingly.

We do, in fact, already have a Thumper machine. If you do not have one and are therefore  deprived of a daily thump, shame for you.

Look it up, it’s a Canadian massage machine. There is no other like it. I don’t know much about Canadians, but this they do well.

I used to have a vibrating machine. A big one. For some reason, when I tried to describe it to others, hilarity ensued. It guaranteed weight loss and toning, but really it just loosened your fillings a bit. Not in a good way.

So, I have started to plot out my Pleasure Parlour. I became a bit worried that the name may raise some expectations, so I thought I’d throw some exercise equipment in too.

So, now I will call it the ‘Pain and Pleasure Parlour’

Because that’s much better and not fifty shades of anything.