Month: February 2025

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Oh, that’s where it is

Is your lovely man incapable of finding anything? Whilst looking directly at it?

If I, as a potty mouth, has $10 for every curse word I uttered and every time my lovely man couldn’t find the obvious, I could retire.

Do we have soap for the shower the sweet soul asked me some days ago. Yes, I replied, in the cupboard in the spare bathroom.

After some days of bathing vs showering, I opted for a shower, only to find he is washing himself with a transparent shaving of soap.

Please bring me a bar of soap I yelled.

Where do we keep them he yelled back.

Faaaark

An epoch of time passed. The water ran cold, then the world’s water ran out.

I stood there, an unwashed, pissed off prune of a person.

I found them he stated, they were stacked in a pile, I wasn’t expecting that.

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You want me to eat what?

I live with some trepidation of what my lovely man is going to find online. There is no link the man won’t follow.

So recently he started reading about worm farms. Look darling, he advised, we can buy a worm farm and dispose of dog poo into it.

Our lives have reached this level of excitement.

So, of course, I ordered one. They were full of advice as to how many boxes of worms to order with it in proportion to the quantity and size of your dogs.

I asked if cat poo could be put in too. Nobody knows.

The poor things arrived.

I wondered if they had been trained, or at least briefed, of their diet from hereon. Are they a special type of worm I pondered. Masochists? I certainly feel like a sadist.

So now we have to gather up the dog poo and mix it in (with complicated ratios of hay and soil and kitchen waste), and feed it to these poor souls.

As it turns out, most of the pooing is done on the pup walk, so it’s great fun picking that up and bringing it home.

I’m not sure the worms are grateful.

Kitchen waste is leftover fresh fruit, veg and salad we are advised. Not a lot of it in this house, so they get my wine soaked strawberries.

Our worm farm came with instructions and at the bottom of the pamphlet, we were advised that there is a risk of the worms migrating if conditions are not suitable.

We are feeding them dog poo! The conditions are entirely unsuitable.

I fully expect to soon see a line of worms with their hats and backpacks, trundling off to greener pastures.

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What’s your pleasure?

I went for a massage recently. It was such a great massage that I forgot how to put on my bra, how to make payment and how to drive.

After I had successfully executed a 32 point turn to get out of the parking, and gathered my faculties somewhat, I decided I needed to change my life to maintain this happy state of fugue.

Dismissing a cocaine habit for economic reasons, I’ve decided to change the spare room into what I shall call ‘The Pleasure Parlour’

Which I will equip accordingly.

We do, in fact, already have a Thumper machine. If you do not have one and are therefore  deprived of a daily thump, shame for you.

Look it up, it’s a Canadian massage machine. There is no other like it. I don’t know much about Canadians, but this they do well.

I used to have a vibrating machine. A big one. For some reason, when I tried to describe it to others, hilarity ensued. It guaranteed weight loss and toning, but really it just loosened your fillings a bit. Not in a good way.

So, I have started to plot out my Pleasure Parlour. I became a bit worried that the name may raise some expectations, so I thought I’d throw some exercise equipment in too.

So, now I will call it the ‘Pain and Pleasure Parlour’

Because that’s much better and not fifty shades of anything.