Month: November 2024

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Show me where it hurts

In an effort to improve my fitness levels I have injured myself.

In the buttock sadly.

I’ve pulled a muscle in my bum I informed my lovely man.

How he asked.

Must be from my exercise regime I informed him. Obvs.

It’s extraordinary that you’ve hurt yourself considering your mild routine he commented.

And usually, he continued, oblivious to the hole he was digging, if someone pulls a muscle, they know about it immediately, when and how did your injury happen?

I explained, a bit frostily, that letting yourself go is a very gradual thing. Over many epochs really. As is building oneself up again.

So, now I have to pay a professional to tend to my buttock.

There was a time, that massaging my buttock was an offered service.

That ship, it appears, has sailed. And here we find ourselves.

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I’ll take those

Some years ago I was imploring my lovely man to please instill systems to keep himself organised.

He answered me at the time that he has a flawless system, he waits for me to tell him what to do and he does it.

Now…. I know what you are thinking… ‘she sounds bossy’

But! You’d be right.

One of the things my lovely man is instructed to do is to take his (many) pills twice a day. These I carefully organise for him every 28 days and put them out morning and night.

I know what you are thinking… he’s more than capable of doing this himself surely.

Bear with.

He is in charge of organsing our glass of water for our respective bedside tables at night.

I noticed that I only had half a glass and queried it. Well, he said, my pills were there, so I just used that water and took them.

I looked across at his side and yes… there were his pills and his full glass of water. I pointed.

OK, he said, I must take my pills.

So…. now his hormones are all nicely balanced and I’m bossy AND ratty.

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It’s an emergency

My lovely man is big on health and safety. Big.

So, he was delighted when a worker injured his eye while helping us with something at the house the other day.

He could launch into action. My lovely man’s launching into action immediately involves me.

The fellow had hurt his eye.

Rosie, we have an IoD he yelled, bring the first aid kit.

It’s also necessary, it seems, to break into code.

Where’s the H&S SOP file he continued.

What? Rousing myself from the depths of an email.

We have an injury on duty he said somewhat impatiently, where is our standard operating procedure file for health and safety? And get the first aid kit.

I have a cotton swab, some bicarb and eyedrops I offered. There is no file.

He sighed… Obviously hoping I was in a position to perform surgery.

My lovely man’s biggest thing is ladder safety.

There was no ladder in this situation, but it didn’t stop him giving the fellow with the weeping, injured eye the lecture anyway.

If the man ever regains his sight, he will know it’s imperative to have someone hold the ladder. Oh, and never be without eye goggles.

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Sure, you can use it for that

I was wallowing in my bath the other day.

Yes, yes, I know…. terribly irresponsible to bath vs showering. The world seems to either be flooded or stricken by drought, have you noticed? So yes, I know… but still.. I do love an occassional bath.

I noticed that my bath gel boasted ‘105 uses’

Once again, I probably should be washing myself with a good old bar of soap or perhaps even coarse salt or riversand depending on the levels of austerity adopted.

Although…. we need the salt for the dishwasher, or salt grinders…. we are not bothered if it’s edible or not in our household.

And, I read that sand plays havoc with the sewage systems.

Back to the 105 uses. 105?! Apart from the obvious ….. what else can you use it for? It didn’t say. Washing your hair, washing the floor?

It’s just marketing BS isn’t it? You know it! I know it too, but I love it. I am everyone’s target market.

Is this something that made me buy it over another brand, that it had so MANY uses? I can’t remember. Subliminal.

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Fit as a fiddle

My brother is quite a disciplined fellow. In most aspects of his life, including exercise. Also, he got the metabolism. Healthy appetite… lean and mean.

Sometimes life is not fair.

Anyhooo…. we are trying. My lovely man and I. We have a daily exercise routine and it is doing wonders. Nothing to get overly excited about, we are not quite Comrades ready and nobody is inviting us to parade on any catwalk. But, we are doing more than we have done for some time, so there’s that.

My brother (and my adorable sister in law), have a rowing machine. I looked at them, and thought, that’s it, if I just BUY a rowing machine, I’ll look as good as they do.

So, of course, I did. Only to find you actually have to use it.

I mentioned to some (very active) friends that I have a rowing machine. They were enormously impressed. I’m surprised you don’t have one I replied. Well… they replied, we wait for people like you to put hardly used stuff on the market and pick things up for next to nothing.

Rude.

I like the ‘just row’ setting on my fabulous machine. That way I can feel like Forest Gump and just GO! Of course I do stop sooner than dear Forest. Quite a bit sooner.

Nevertheless, I am using it every day and every day I try and beat the previous day.

Take that ye of little faith.

My lovely man is having to lower me onto the loo and wash my hair as I have lost the use of my limbs.

Least he can do as I transform into a goddess in front of his eyes really.

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There’s a cloth for that

My lovely man has pain in his hands the poor soul.

A friend of his gifted him with this magical little cloth to help him open things.

Life changing! He is opening things left and right. Most especially, my wine.

A friend of MINE gifted me with some crocheted kitchen cloths. What a win they are too! He is opening things, and I am wiping them down.

So…. as it’s the season to be jolly and just in case you want to get us a wee pressie, any sort of cloth is met with much delight.

Or a wind chime. One cannot have too many really. Same for candles.

Or wine.

Or beer.

Just saying…