Month: May 2023

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I like your package

Is it just me, or do you also loathe packaging?

Apart from the obvious that it’s mostly all plastic, it’s largely impenetrable isn’t it? And often seems unnecessary and an overkill.

I’m a bit of a shopper. it’s my one talent really. Random spending. But, inevitably, anything new comes in packaging that you have to wrestle off. Take Take A Lot for instance. Those people, bless them, give extra thought to packaging because, presumably, the goods have to survive transportation. So, there is re-packaging in a lot of cases. Not that this always helps. Possibly because my order is then put on a donkey cart or something similar and driven over less than attractive roads to me.

A face wash I ordered recently arrived burst. (Yes, there is face wash here before you ask, we are not a nation of dirty faces). But, I was tempted in this case because it was a charcoal face wash, and I just can’t resist a charcoal anything really. Charcoal is so versatile don’t you find. Like bicarb and coconut oil. There must be 100 uses for these products. Must Google it. I take great comfort knowing that if I ever suspect I have been poisoned, I can just chug down my face wash and I am likely to survive the ordeal.

Back to the packaging. It’s that hard plastic shell that kills me the most. I really have to gird my loins when stuff arrives in that. I ponder on that movie Tom Hanks starred in where he was washed up on a deserted island and his only companion was the American football Wilson (or was it a rugby ball, is there a difference?). Anyway, what if Wilson had arrived in a hard plastic shell? And also washed up with him was a scissor in a hard plastic shell. The movie would not have done as well I’m sure. We would have all been gnashing our teeth in frustration.

Some years ago I met someone in the packaging industry. It was quite fascinating to hear her speak about it because it’s actually very complex and very competitive. Lots of math goes into packaging. She was absolutely fabulous. Hysterical really, very entertaining and great company.

But, that’s how psychopaths are aren’t they? Engaging and charming. Because really, this must be one of the criteria required to be in the industry, to be a complete sadist.

I’m sure she’s the exception.

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Why can’t you just love me?

We recently saved a little tortoise and now he is at home with us.

Tommy I named him. Because… well, I’m lazy and uncreative at my core.

A tortoise, as it turns out, is a remarkably easy pet to have. Completely undemanding and quite reserved.

Found out my neighbour has a tortoise so I asked her for advice and she said that they do nothing. Nothing! Their tortoise lives off whatever is in the garden and only occasionally makes an appearance. He has been in this state in their garden for years she tells me.

This, of course, is totally unacceptable. He is not meeting expectations.

The first few days he seemed determined to break out of our garden. I fretted that perhaps he was a she, and there were abandoned eggs somewhere, but established that Tommy is indeed a male (whatever they may identify as).

The ever intrepid Mandova, almost as excited about Tommy as I was, secured the premises and had all kinds of ideas re. his care.

We have both had our hearts broken at Tommy’s complete lack of interest in our endeavors and outpourings of affection.

I spent many days checking on him, picking him up, crooning to him, scratching his back lovingly, buying a grocery store of tempting veggies and greens to feed him. He wants none of it. Or me.

I brought him in every night out of the cold (although truth be told, the house is a fridge and we would all be better off sleeping in the garden).

Should we make a place for him on the bed I asked my long suffering lovely man, who already has to wind himself around several inconsiderate animals to kip.

Doesn’t he wee on you every time you pick him up was his only comment. Well yes, I said, but I’m sure that’s his sign of affection. He’ll be house trained in no time.

In truth, Tommy, remarkably fast, does everything he can, to hide from me.

How long before he knows his name and comes when I call I asked my lovely man. He probably does know your voice already and is trying to ignore you replied my not so lovely man. He thinks you are a pain he continued, leave the chap alone, he’s a wild animal and wants to hibernate. You keep on getting Mandova to find him and then you wake him up to give him unwanted love and food.

Alfie, I reminded him, was a wild animal once, and he is now domesticated and loving. Alfie, he replied, is a complete mommy’s boy and wouldn’t survive two minutes in the wild.

And that, people, is how I like it. I have high hopes for Tommy’s turn around come summer.

I am not beyond forcing him to love me.

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Yes, I need a coffee ☕

I have been quite disciplined with my eating for some months, and dropped some weight.

But, in recent weeks, have failed somewhat.

So, to kick start myself back to good habits, I decided to do a detox programme I saw advertised.

The lady who promotes this and who kindly delivered my meals for the forseable future is indeed an advert for her product. Fabulously fit and toned. Arrived in skimpy shorts. Get inside I had to say to my lovely man.

Aren’t you cold I asked her, dressed like a polar bear myself. No, I’m just back from the gym she announced.

Of course. Also, I think she’s British. They don’t feel the cold do they?

You might get a slight headache as you are not allowed caffeine she announced.

Oh, I’m not worried, I told her, I’m not a big coffee or wine drinker. It’s quite nice, the fantasy in my head, I make the rules.

So, I diligently downed the first green smoothie thing and my lovely man observed my face and enquired if I was actually paying money to be this miserable.

One of the drinks seemed to be tomatoes and tabasco. I thought it might actually kill me.

How are you feeling my lovely man asked me in the morning. (After day one).

Well, I said, my weight is down, but I think I have a brain tumour and need you to take me to the hospital please.

Aaah, he said, you have a headache, should I bring you a coffee rather?

What I have learnt from this exercise :

I am not brave when in pain.

I would rather never eat again than face that tabasco smoothie.

I can, quite surprisingly, manage without wine, but am, it seems addicted to coffee.