Can’t be too careful

In Mozambique, well certainly in Beira, they like to steal parts of your car and sell them back to you.

It’s a very efficient system, you can go to the market, enquire about a recently missing part and buy it back for top dollar.

The solution is to engrave (with some sort of identity number), as much as you can, and pop rivet things here and there.

As with most security, you really just want it to be easier that they steal from someone else.

In a panic, we realised my lovely man’s car was not adequately identified and secured. And, before it could be done, I had to use it to go to the parlour for a wee pedicure.

Unfortunately, at the very pleasant parlour, I have, for some years, been nominated the sadist to attend to my pedicure. Not only is there no sign of rough heels after a session, I am usually limping out on bloody stumps.

As it turns out, she is a very thoughtful sadist. She noticed me peering out the window continually to try and ensure nobody lifted a wing mirror off the car.

She indicated that she was in a better position to watch the car. Then she got everyone else in the salon who wasn’t busy, to watch the car in shifts.

Bless them! I managed to return home with the car intact. Not so much my heels.

My lovely man then had the car attended to. I had to get extra money from the company to pay the guy, he announced, I didn’t have enough. Come and look.

Everything is engraved people. And everything else is pop riveted. I think they only stopped pop riveting because they ran out he advised me.

I suspect the car is 50% heavier and the fuel efficiency halved. But hey, its safe.

Give it to me now

My lovely man is a nervous passenger. At least he is with me. Which is strange, because I’m an excellent driver.

My lovely man would do all the driving if he could. Unfortunately for him, we do regular long trips. He has two issues (excluding me). He doesn’t sleep before any travel. Like for a week. But especially the night before. Probably because he is worrying about the section that he has to let me drive. The second issue is he has this whole pain in the bum thing going on. Once again, over and above me. So, his right cheek goes into a spasm after driving for a few hours and then he, very reluctantly, has to let me take over.

This is not a restful time for him. Much foot pumping, grimacing, imploring the heavens to save us and quite a bit of criticism.

All of this I blissfully ignore. Because I’m an excellent driver. I’ve never had an accident that was my fault. (I’ve always managed to drive away before anyone realised I was the cause).

Relax darling I instruct, let Jesus take the wheel. Unfortunately, he replied, you are at the wheel.

On a recent trip as we were nearing Harare, I asked if he thought Surrey pies would be open.

Are you allowed… he started.. and then thought better of it.

I haven’t eaten carbs for two months. Must be something to this theory, because I have dropped 7kg’s so far. What is alarming is that I have more than 7kg to lose.

But now, I was having a pie fantasy. Wait until you are over 50, your fantasies dramatically change.

So, we got some pies. I was still in the driving seat. Please can I have my pie I asked.

They are really, really hot darling, he tried. And you are driving. Perhaps we should wait until we get home.

GIVE ME THE PIE.

My already nervous back seat driver now had to endure me driving with one hand and nibbling on a molten pie. It was too much.

Before you kill us and this literally be our last meal, he instructed, pull over and let me drive and you eat the pie.

Who’s the hangry one really?